smilie, again, she took vows: for better or worse, in sickness and health, til death do us part.
It amazes me that that people actually believe that a statement made often in your early 20s is going to supersede millions of years of evolution.
LH I think more the point is vows were made therefore commitment was promised and reliable trustworthy people keep their promises. Evolution means eff all if we use our higher selves. We have these big beautiful brains for a reason. All humans are capable of using their mind to over come instinct. Including but not limited to monogamy in perpetuity. If this weren't so we might as well all being living in caves again. similie's W also wasn't some naïve girl who was barely more than a child when she walked down the aisle. I have about a million thoughts on why this marriage didn't/isn't working. The archaic nature of matrimony isn't one of them.
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by smilie
Also I am finding that it is mainly women that exhibit this type of behavior - is this correct?
Oh boy Smilie I think you are really going to regret saying that lol.
I'll be nice he's new around here. Buddy no. No this is not something mainly women exhibit. Literally anyone can coast along in stagnant and painful MR and do what the LBS feels like is up and leaving. But as a lot of people told you it's far more common in women for things to get to this point like this. Because they say what they want and need over and over again on deaf ears and then give up. I was a WW in my first marriage. exH was crappy person there wasn't much going to fix that unless he could see that himself. But I asked him for bare, bare minimum things to keep me all in. To make me feel like I wasn't having to choose between the lesser of two evil. Him with a roof over my head or no him with no roof over the head of myself or our daughter. He never heard me. You know when he heard me? Not when I cheated. Not when he begged me not to leave him for AP, even though that was never the plan. Not when I gave up and finally left. Not when I started dating again. Nope. Not even when things started to get sort of serious with my now H and I told my exH speak now or forever hold your piece because this is the absolute end of the train. He finally heard me about 2 months after my current H and I signed a lease and moved in together. I had stopped asking him for what I wanted and needed more than 3.5 years before that.
My current H actually didn't say anything before the A and BD. But I could tell he was struggling with himself and me and our MR for about a year before the A and BD. I had asked him repeatedly what was going on. I begged him to tell me what was going on. I begged to go to counseling or a M retreat. Something anything. He would say he was tired or stressed, and then he'd put on a happy face and act like nothing had happened. My depression took a huge toll on him and our MR. My independence took a toll because he liked feeling needed. His inability to deal with negative emotions or communicate effectively was crushing us, but at the time he saw that as my fault.
If I wasn't negative he'd be happy. If I would just stop expecting things of him he would be happy. If I would be less intelligent he wouldn't feel bad about himself. If I would, I would, I would. And trust me I needed to change a lot of things first and foremost getting mentally healthy and physically healthier. But until we got into some knock down drag out fights during the A (because he never wanted to fight, because at the time he felt fighting makes him feel the not happy feelings) he hadn't realized that I was never meeting his expectations because they were either unspoken or unreasonable. And that he was never meeting my expectations because he was either ignoring the request entirely or thought I was asking too much when I was asking for the bare minimum because he didn't want to give it to me out of resentment. And when he'd act like a petulant child I would just take on more and more and more responsibility in the household, in the MR, in parenting at work. Whatever I needed to do to get what I needed whether it was making meals, hauling the kids or more money for the house. Which I then resented him for. And being stretched thing drove me into a deeper depression. Which then made him resent me even more. Until we were in a resentment spiral that was sukking our M down the drain.
I say all this because I've read through a ton of what you said. And I'm going to be honest. There are a lot of MRs that have a disabled partner. A lot where that partner was a huge contributor in the household and then became homebound for the most part. A lot of those MRs work. I think your relationship falling apart has a lot less to to do with a changed dynamic than you think it does. If this isn't what W signed up for she wouldn't bowed out a while ago. 7 years is a long time to hang on to a MR out of pity. I doubt W is perfect and you're a disaster. She clearly has issues of her own. But if I had to guess what your biggest part in the demise of this MR was it's your depression. Dude, you are very clearly depressed. And not because of the BD and W. I can see it in every line. Whether you save this MR or not, you really need to be worrying about how to heal you. And I really think you should discuss depression with your doctors and a psychologist.
Which brings me to my last point that everyone is trying to tell you. Trying to mindread why your WAW walked is a waste of time and energy. We all do it. I get it. So you will be hearing this a lot. Like a lot, a lot. But you really do need to focus on you right now. The L thing is great. Reading some old threads to feel like you're getting some kind of handle on what's happening here. Also good. But I really need you to do some serious assessing and let's fix things that are fixable. Depression even chronic depression is treatable. But you can't get to those fitness goals of yours if you're not mentally healthy enough to even start. Worry about you first and foremost.
