My Story P2...Acceptance of the MLC Madness

[Eagle3]

That’s good news!D

Unfortunately my reaction was too soon. He indeed signed the contract, but it was an older version. I immediately sent the latest version (btw, which he already received) again the same day and asked to sign that one but haven't received it back yet.

I'm pretty sure he had a moment of clarity thanks to my e-mail whereby he knew he had to let go but it apparently it faded again...

Anyway, he arrives on Friday, I will check how to deal with it then.

Sincerely telling him how grateful your are to have had your life turned upside down years ago by him was heartfelt. And I love your realizing your history and keeping it intact.D

Exactly DnJ, I'm still glad I sent the e-mail. Sometimes it helps writing down what you actually believe, it gives a certain satisfaction and validation.

Great news, Eagle! I hope things continue to move forward for you. I admire the way you were able to choose words for you and find gratitude in that email. It’s making me realize I don’t think I could do that. I can imagine being grateful for the good times we had but not sharing that with my H, because all of those “good” times to him are colored by his lens and his resentments—any caring we did for each other is now me never doing enough and him doing everything at his expense, to his detriment. My challenge, I suppose, is to write that kind of letter to myself and not let his current view rewrite what I experienced, which sometimes feels false in the face of his beliefs. His perspective is valid, but is it true? I struggle there. (Here again I remind myself that living with him still makes it harder for me to see through his fog.)C

Could you explain to me why you would not be able to do that? Of course you will feel when it would be the right timing, I believed it was time for me since I'm reaching the phase of forgiveness. I thought many times I did, but now I know I have, at least for the things which happened in the past.

DnJ, I thought a lot about your statement that feelings can change constantly.
That is someting I still have all the time. Do you still have this? Why is this?

In all honesty, when I received the signed version, I was so happy to receive it.
When I saw it was the wrong one, I was dissapointed.
The next day, my feelings changed. I actually was relieved it was the wrong one.
Do you know why? This house is something we built together, we were never happy in it together, but the project came from both of us. I also want the house to still remain in the family, I prefer him buying me out, this way the children still have their home as well.

Anyway, next weekend, I'm invited by our best friends to have dinner there, was agreed a long time before I knew he was coming over. I sent him a message I was invited and he as well if he wanted to, didn't want to wait until he arrived, and he sent a reply mentioning he would like to come as well, and if that is OK for me. Told him it was OK.

My sister also sent a message to him last week. They had a very close relationship and when she thinks about him she sometimes sends a message. His reply was very long this time. He mentioned he loves her very much, not only her, but our whole family, also that he is truly grateful after all that happened she still supports him, that this shows what a good hearted person she is. That he is searching for himself but that eventually he will find his place in this world and she will still be part of it, no matter where he is or when that will be.

[DnJ]

Hello Eagle

Darn, H signed the old version. Maybe on Friday he will correct things.

DnJ, I thought a lot about your statement that feelings can change constantly.
That is something I still have all the time. Do you still have this? Why is this?

In all honesty, when I received the signed version, I was so happy to receive it.
When I saw it was the wrong one, I was dissapointed.
The next day, my feelings changed. I actually was relieved it was the wrong one.
Do you know why? This house is something we built together, we were never happy in it together, but the project came from both of us. I also want the house to still remain in the family, I prefer him buying me out, this way the children still have their home as well.

Feelings are always in a state of flux or change. Emotions are temporary and will flit away unless they are reinforced. Most “average” feelings will, without any further reinforcement, evaporate within minutes; with maybe some of the more stubborn ones lasting 10-15 minutes.

By the way, 30 minutes is the proposed cool down time from being emotionally high-jacked. After walking away from whatever stimulus high-jacked you, it takes around 30 minutes to get it out of your system. This has to do with how feelings change, and how they are created and influenced.

The change in feelings is actually one feeling flitting away and another one taking it’s place. Feelings are created in our subconscious; try as you might you cannot consciously recall/create a feeling. For example: Pain. We can remember the incident of skinning a knee. Recall the blood oozing. Crying. Running to Mom. But, you cannot “feel” that pain; the actual hurting. Our consciousness recalls the facts of the event not the subconscious parts.

Feelings also are irrational, as in not rational, not controlled by our logic and reason. Emotions are irrationally triggered, irrationally exist, and are irrationally extinguished. Our rational control of our emotions is actually our focused and reasoned influence upon our irrational triggers and reinforcements upon those feelings. Having control of one’s feelings is actually having control over your self and influencing your subconscious mind which allows feelings to be let go.

That is something I still have all the time. Do you still have this?Why is this?

Yes my feelings still “change”. However, I pretty clearly see my emotional path, intellectual path, and spiritual/belief path which allows me to rather quickly deescalate a stirred up unwanted feeling. For example, just today I got riled up by a goof who unsafely passed me on the highway. Triggers, ego, etc… Let it go, and return to feel what I want to, not what I was triggered to feel. (btw, I use the word “goof” to trigger myself as I’m writing this. In actuality, “goof” was my triggered response during the incident and I consciously dismissed it since that was reinforcing my irrational angry feelings. Maybe the guy was in a rush because his son was hurt. Or maybe not. He could just be a goof. )

That is the why of the flux of emotions. Those irrational feelings are triggered or created or crafted by stimulus. Remember feelings are an irrational response to stimulus. Some of those stimuli come from within, an internal trigger. Most of which crafts our emotions comes from external. Our senses brings a world - quite literally a world of emotions within us. An incredible plethora of emotional responses which once experienced is gone forever. We may, and do, feel similar again, yet never the same feeling again, it’s always a new one.

The emotional realm is a strange and wondrous landscape. Its irrationality cannot be catalogued by our conscience mind and self, and therefore remains within us, yet the access is not controllable. The more and more a person experiences their emotions, the better and better they understand them and have more consistent repeatable responses.

Our feelings constantly are dying and being replaced (changing) because there is stimulus all around us, and within us. New stuff triggers new feelings which therefore stops reinforcing the present feeling which then fades. It might spring back or be replaced or a mixture. It’s quite a hodgepodge of irrational stuff.

If one was to enter a sensory deprivation tank you can see how the external stimulus would be next to nil which would allow one to focus upon themselves and the control of their mind, and therefore emotional self. Of course you don’t need to turn your tub into sound-proof floating pod in an effort to find your emotional balance. Quiet time, nature walks, peaceful and balanced approaches to things (like closing the cupboard door gently) trains one’s mind and spirit. I humbly submit I do have a reasonably high emotional quotient (EQ).

Grief is our learning to accept a loss. Acceptance is emotional understanding. It is one’s subconscious self finding understand with what has happened. Consider that, your irrational mind, the non-logical part finding understanding or “rationalizing” what has happened. That’s quite a task, it’s going to take time.

Along the road to acceptance is depression. This is like that sensory deprivation tank, we shut down and crawl within ourselves. We shut out the world and find “our” feelings, pain, and understanding of what happened and why. We look within to find our emotional understanding and emerge with our acceptance.

For our spouse and their emotional crisis, their feelings are being triggered and extinguished and bent and twisted all over the place. They have such irrational pressure. Irrational! And therefore pressures they cannot rationally understand, catalogue, access, process, and so on. They a literally driven by their irrational self and do not understand why they feel what they do. These poor souls have a terrible road to travel, and sadly many do not find tranquility.

I completely get how you were first elated when you received the signed copy. And then disappointed when you found it was the wrong version. Expectations. Perfectly justifiable and normal to expect the correct version. And when expectations go unmet it leads to disappointment. And then relief the next day. Another perfectly fine response.

Bargaining I found such an interesting stage of grief. That time when one tries to hang on to the old and familiar norm they were used to. Remember, grief is working one’s way towards emotional understand. Bargaining is emotionally and irrationally trying to hold on to what was, and is now lost. And yes, feelings will respond accordingly.

You see the triggers and stimulus influencing and creating these emotional states of the past few days - happy, disappointed, relieved. Your emotions bargaining with themselves to hang on to the feeling; to hang on to the house so your kids can still have their home. It’s your emotional bargaining and responses. It’s ok, and a good healthy journey my friend. You are doing fine. Well, better than fine in my humble opinion. I believe your EQ and IQ are pretty solid.

With a solid footing and realization of emotions and triggers, compassion and forgiveness and empathy and such are more easily attainable. I’m pretty sure you know - you’re on a good path.

D

[ovrrnbw]

Dear BluWave, ovrrnbw, Wayfarer and joejoe,

Nice to read you have all reconciled. Just out of curiousity, because I haven’t read your threads,
may I ask if one of you was confronted with an H or W in MLC or not?

My H for sure has a MLC and I know the process usually takes years and years, that’s why I was curious if any
of your reconciliations were with a spouse who came out of it.

I know not many M’s survive MLC so always nice to read one if I get the chance…

Many thanks.

Eagle

Hey Eagle, just wanted to write back to you.

I don't know if my W was in MLC, she just turned 30 this year. Many of her actions seemed MLC-ish. I've even read of "Quarter Life Crisis".

I am not a psych expert, so I don't know the proper labels often. My W did "come out of it". But they have (IMO) go back and forth a lot. And then they have to come to a bunch of small realizations. Then they have to commit. They make the same mistake(s) a lot. It is a big struggle. This is why in Newcomers and MLC, the advice is to detach and not get caught up in their struggles. It will tear you apart even more.

It is hard, but you have to let go of what you cannot control. You have to accept that the outcome isn't always up to you and focus on what you can control. I hope this doesn't sound too cliche.

[wayfarer]

Hey Eagle, I wanted to stop by as well to address this.

Dear BluWave, ovrrnbw, Wayfarer and joejoe,

Nice to read you have all reconciled. Just out of curiousity, because I haven’t read your threads,
may I ask if one of you was confronted with an H or W in MLC or not?

My H for sure has a MLC and I know the process usually takes years and years, that’s why I was curious if any
of your reconciliations were with a spouse who came out of it.

I know not many M’s survive MLC so always nice to read one if I get the chance…

Many thanks.

Eagle

So this is right here is really important.

I am not a psych expert, so I don't know the proper labels often. My W did "come out of it". But they have (IMO) go back and forth a lot. And then they have to come to a bunch of small realizations. Then they have to commit. They make the same mistake(s) a lot. It is a big struggle. This is why in Newcomers and MLC, the advice is to detach and not get caught up in their struggles. It will tear you apart even more.

It is hard, but you have to let go of what you cannot control. You have to accept that the outcome isn't always up to you and focus on what you can control. I hope this doesn't sound too cliche.

The process of "coming out of it" whether it be waywardness or MLC isn't linear. We would like it to be, but it never it. Which as ovr states its important to focus on your basic DBing tenets. Detach, GAL, and 180. But not to save the MR to save yourself from the chaos. To grow and learn. To heal. And to move forward what ever direction that may be.

As far as my opinion on the above MRs mine included I don't think a single one of these was a case of full blown MLC. MLC is a different animal entirely. In the newbie area there's a lot of poopooing of naming the problem with a WS/WAS because there's a certain group of folks who are of the the thinking that naming the problem is just giving a name to the monster allowing an LBS to excuse terrible behavior of the WS/WAS. But my personal opinion after being here almost 2 years and reading tons and tons of threads you can classify the WS/WAS. I'd say all of our spouses fell more into the wayward category than MLC.

Most of them have a touch of MLC or milestone year crisis, but it's mostly difficulties in the marriage combined with questioning life choices/FOO turmoil/mental health/addiction/etc and making a series of selfish decisions to cope. They deal with their inner turmoil by turning further and further outward from the marriage, their spouse and themselves instead of inward to deal with the relationship and personal emotional crisis. i.e. If I sleep with this person I'll fill the holes in my soul - If I flirt with this person I'll feel worthwhile - If I leave this relationship I'll be happy - If I start over it'll fix everything. Sort of MLC thinking but they don't like go through regression or replay or what ever you call it. They just want to fix things with an escape not return to youth.

As I said above I don't think I can say any of the above people who reconned, and adding May to that list, had a spouse in a full blown MLC. They were waywards. They share similar traits, they put us through similar trials but its just not the same thing. And all of us who reconned have had very, very different paths, very different MRs starting out, very different WS/WAS, very different family situations. Some of us went beginning to end with the spouse in the home. Some WS left and came back. Blu's H left to live with the OW. She had pretty much written off recon. May and I put ourselves through some really hurtful moments trying to stand for our MRs while in an IHS. My H was having a very active, very public PA/EA while still in the home. There is very little all of the above LBSs shared in common except the feelings we were/are dealing with.

I know reading through a lot of the archived stuff there were MLC recons. But it's pretty few and far between. MLCers put the people nearest and dearest to them through some really awful stuff for years. It's a big ask on their part for an LBS to 1) continue to stand and 2) forgive and repair the marriage after all of that. What we we're put through with waywards is so short term in comparison to what a lot of MLC LBS have to deal with. It's a lot easier to forgive 4 months, 6 months, 18 months of chaos than it is to forgive years upon years of that. And as JJ stated on the other thread this is part choice and part chance. We recon because we wanted the recon and so did our spouses. There was always a potential that one of us wouldn't want that. And like ovr said above there is no predicting or controlling the outcome in these things.

Sorry for the book. I know you asked a simple question looking for a simple answer, but I don't know that any of this stuff has simple answers.

[kml]

My ex had a MLC. We reconciled and had several more good years together. Then as he approached 50 he went into MLC mode again and we ended up divorced.

That being said - in retrospect I can see that my ex is a narcissist, and that there was probably more infidelity in the marriage than what I knew of. I'm happy to be rid of him now even though I fought against the divorce for a long time. Many of us don't take off our rose colored glasses until after we are out of the marriage.

[Eagle3]

I completely get how you were first elated when you received the signed copy. And then disappointed when you found it was the wrong version. Expectations. Perfectly justifiable and normal to expect the correct version. And when expectations go unmet it leads to disappointment. And then relief the next day. Another perfectly fine response.

Bargaining I found such an interesting stage of grief. That time when one tries to hang on to the old and familiar norm they were used to. Remember, grief is working one’s way towards emotional understand. Bargaining is emotionally and irrationally trying to hold on to what was, and is now lost. And yes, feelings will respond accordingly.

You see the triggers and stimulus influencing and creating these emotional states of the past few days - happy, disappointed, relieved. Your emotions bargaining with themselves to hang on to the feeling; to hang on to the house so your kids can still have their home. It’s your emotional bargaining and responses. It’s ok, and a good healthy journey my friend. You are doing fine. Well, better than fine in my humble opinion. I believe your EQ and IQ are pretty solid.D

Thank you for this perfect insight. However, I'm still struggling with the fact what the outcome will be as it comes to my actions. Will I push him to sign the papers next week or will I wait and see how his behaviour will be? I'm pretty sure the last will occur. Would this mean that I still let him control the outcome of my path? It doesn't feel that way but maybe I do see this wrongly?

With a solid footing and realization of emotions and triggers, compassion and forgiveness and empathy and such are more easily attainable. I’m pretty sure you know - you’re on a good path.D

Yes, for the rest I'm doing fine. I'm not feeling anxious or nervous about his arrival tomorrow.
I even planned a few activities with him and the children during the 10 days he will be here. (in consulation with him)
I also asked if anyone picked him up from the airport and he said no, so I suggested and he was happy to accept it.

The last times he came I refused to do that. I'm pretty sure because the empathy and forgiveness was not enough there yet. I still felt a lot of pain and anger.

Does this mean I'm a doormat or is he cake-eating? I believe not but others may see this in it.
I simply want to maintain a good relationship with him.
Am I still standing? Yes, I am.
But I also believe that I will be fine without him.

DnJ, a few weeks ago you posted this sentence to me:
"It’s an interesting journey for us and our crisis spouse. Nothing you do will affect their path, and everything you do does."

I have chosen, for myself, to try and maintain an emotional connection with him.
I know many on this board say to fully let them go.
But does this mean as less contact as possible or what I'm describing here above?
I have let him go, emotionally this will not trigger anything bad anymore.
But in my opinion, if they let you, maintaining a connection is still very important.
Please correct me if I'm wrong.

[Eagle3]

So this is right here is really important.

I know. Since I'm already 27 months past BD I've learned to detach and heal the past 2 years.

I know reading through a lot of the archived stuff there were MLC recons. But it's pretty few and far between. MLCers put the people nearest and dearest to them through some really awful stuff for years. It's a big ask on their part for an LBS to 1) continue to stand and 2) forgive and repair the marriage after all of that. What we we're put through with waywards is so short term in comparison to what a lot of MLC LBS have to deal with. It's a lot easier to forgive 4 months, 6 months, 18 months of chaos than it is to forgive years upon years of that. And as JJ stated on the other thread this is part choice and part chance. We recon because we wanted the recon and so did our spouses. There was always a potential that one of us wouldn't want that. And like ovr said above there is no predicting or controlling the outcome in these things.
Sorry for the book. I know you asked a simple question looking for a simple answer, but I don't know that any of this stuff has simple answers.

Please don't be sorry. On the contrary, I was actually looking for an explanation about the difference between a WAS and an MLC'er and you have provided this perfectly.

I know there used to be a thread which explained the difference but it doesn't seem to work anymore.

I always knew, when I first lurked on this forum months before posting myself that my H was not a WAS but a real MLC'er. Unfortunately they indeed hurt everybody close to them and/or leave everybody behind, which I assume is not the case with a WAS.

[Eagle3]

My ex had a MLC. We reconciled and had several more good years together. Then as he approached 50 he went into MLC mode again and we ended up divorced.
That being said - in retrospect I can see that my ex is a narcissist, and that there was probably more infidelity in the marriage than what I knew of. I'm happy to be rid of him now even though I fought against the divorce for a long time. Many of us don't take off our rose colored glasses until after we are out of the marriage.

Thx kml. I know and I have thought about this a lot since you wrote a short version of your story on my thread when I first started posting here in September 2020.

But I simply can't rewrite my history. We truly had a very good marriage (not wearing rose colored glasses) and I know 100% sure that he never commited adultery before his MLC.
He was a good man with strong values and an incredible father.
Yet, he wasn't the easiest person and yes, he was the more dominant person in the relationship, but never in a bad or abusive way. I have always been myself with him during our entire marriage.

I strongly believe he may have some sort of personality disorder which probably has been diagnosed when he was in therapy between the age of 5 and 12, or an unprocessed trauma which happened at a young age, but that his M never did anything with it, nor tell anyone about it.

[ovrrnbw]

Hey Eagle,

sometimes I wonder if we all don't have something like unprocessed trauma or disorder. It doesn't excuse immoral behavior.

I don't think the WAS has to hurt everyone around them, but it does seem to happen often. My W bailed on her family in a lot of ways and when I would speak to her family that was their biggest concern - not her affair lol. The WAS will do lots of crazy stuff and go dating, go "find themselves", drink, do drugs, act impulsively. I think a MLC'er will do this too. I just can't tell you if it is for different reasons. Kinda is, kinda isn't.

I think "maintaining" the emotional connection is a tricky thing. In a way yes, but in a way no. I hate to be like that. But what I mean is that you have to be a human being, and try to understand that their pain is real. You sound detached enough to do that. But you also have to take care of yourself - sometimes that means you can't connect emotionally with them.

Anyways, I hope his visit is going well.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Eagle

I'm still struggling with the fact what the outcome will be as it comes to my actions. Will I push him to sign the papers next week or will I wait and see how his behaviour will be? I'm pretty sure the last will occur. Would this mean that I still let him control the outcome of my path? It doesn't feel that way but maybe I do see this wrongly?

You are doing just fine. Perfectly normal to having feelings of doubt and questioning what would be the best course of action.

I suspect this step, the signing of divorce papers, has quite a feel of finality to it. Your struggle regarding the outcome highlights the seriousness of the proposed action and the responsibilities for said decisions - to push or not.

Waiting and seeing what H’s behaviour will be, is not giving up your control. It is not letting him control the outcomes of your path. Waiting, remaining silent, being patient, moving forward with your life while letting (choosing) the marriage/divorce remain in limbo is a valid option. When one chooses this option, chooses to live and move forward, focus on themselves, that is their choice and therefore their power. You still have taken your control of the outcome of your path.

The actual outcome of any of our paths is hidden and unknown. We all choose and modify those choices along the way. There are plenty of factors that affect one’s life and journey. If I were to lose my job, or get seriously ill, or any number of other things - would put a pretty big kink in my best laid plans and decisions.

We only can control ourselves - our thoughts, our actions, our reactions. That’s it. Three things that one can directly control. After that, it is a matter of influence. Influence to ourselves and to others.

Allowing H to display his behaviour and choice first is the best strategy. That allows you the best position to make your decisions and gauge the suitability and “best-ness” to the situation. Letting him “speak first” won’t limit your options.

Whether to push or not. If you need financial protection and/or security - get it! Divorce is business. The dissolving of a business deal gone bad.

If financial security / protection is not high if your list of “things that are in risk”, then it leads to other choices and values. It falls to your spiritual path, to your beliefs and values - do I believe I want/need to be divorced.

Does this mean I'm a doormat or is he cake-eating? I believe not but others may see this in it.
I simply want to maintain a good relationship with him.
Am I still standing? Yes, I am.
But I also believe that I will be fine without him.

Being a doormat or allowing cake-eating has to do with allowing yourself to be treated disrespectfully. Picking H up at the airport is not being a doormat. And the fact that he was pleasant about it is most interesting.

Cake-eating is more towards the sexual side of your past relationship. You would be allowing cake-eating if you and H were to sleep together then he goes back to his affair. Letting him play house while he is working to actively divorce you. That is not the case here.

And a doormat is one who is getting walked all over. That is also not the case here.

Wanting to maintain a good relationship with H is admirable. And yes, you will be fine without him! So… what relationship are you crafting? What kind of relationship are you working towards with H? Friends? Reconcile? Wait and see? Have you yet considered your and H’s new relationship or is it more just not destroying things?

DnJ, a few weeks ago you posted this sentence to me:
"It’s an interesting journey for us and our crisis spouse. Nothing you do will affect their path, and everything you do does."

I have chosen, for myself, to try and maintain an emotional connection with him.
I know many on this board say to fully let them go.
But does this mean as less contact as possible or what I'm describing here above?
I have let him go, emotionally this will not trigger anything bad anymore.
But in my opinion, if they let you, maintaining a connection is still very important.
Please correct me if I'm wrong.

You are not wrong. Right and wrong are very much in the eye of the beholder. Some will support you and others will challenge you. You should also support and challenge yourself and your own ideas, values, and decisions. The feedback from self and others, especially self (once well healed and past the trauma), is critical to ensuring good honourable choices for yourself and your life. Beliefs! Follow them.

Letting go is one of the paramount items one needs to accomplish to find acceptance and get to the other side of this murky bog we all found ourselves mired within. Not being triggered, or easily triggered, is good feedback and acknowledgement of being on the correct (right ) path.

Nothing you do will affect their path, and everything you do does.

One finds detachment . Then indifference. Let’s go of fear. Let’s go of anger. Let’s go of spouse. Goes through withdrawal. Find their feelings returning. Finds empathy, understanding, compassion, acceptance, forgiveness.

Along the journey one affects their path through their control of thoughts, actions, and reactions. This influences their feelings and thoughts and beliefs. Beliefs and values. Strengthen those that serve you and you are proud of. Craft beliefs you aspire to. Alter those that are not up to the standard you would like. And discard poor beliefs and ones that do not serve you well.

You cannot control the path of the MLCer, nor anyone else. You cannot even control your own path - completely. However, we can influence.

Nothing you do will affect their path, and everything you do does.

First and foremost, you live and do for you. At the start we are quite the mixed up mess of emotions and fear. Make no life altering decisions based upon feelings, for they are fleeting. Being still and focusing on self and kids is of such importance when starting out. Once we have found our beliefs and values, we start to live them. We make decisions based upon them. Realize the importance of that distinction. Make your life altering decisions based upon the beliefs and values you found, discovered, strengthened, altered, crafted - based upon you!

We do not try to manipulate the path of the MLC spouse. Firstly, we can’t. Secondly, it is disingenuous to ourself. Thirdly, we would have taken on the responsibility of, and for, our spouse’s path, and the eventual outcome. That is something one does not want!

Consider that. If one behaves, acts, a certain way to try to win back their spouse. Acting goes against who they are. If it actually does win back their spouse - who is their spouse actually attracted too? What characteristics? It most likely won’t last. Especially since the MLCer hasn’t healed.

The flip side. One’s false behaviour and attempts to woo actually backfire and make things worse. Push their spouse further away. This is the most likely result with MLC, since it is not about us at all. Any attempt or pressure and the crisis person bolts and runs. They need time and space, and lots of both.

Either way having the results on one’s conscience is not desirable.

Find and live you beliefs. If one’s spouse awakens, they will see you. The true you. A great shinning person. A beacon. A stanchion of strength and virtue. Grace and hope. Faith and love.

Nothing you do will affect their path, and everything you do does.

One’s transformation has an affect. If one’s spouse willfully continues to close their eyes and soul to the light and run further into their dark torment, we cannot stop it. They must want to heal.

Our biggest affect and influence is first and foremost upon ourselves. Become the best you will be. Be a bright shinning light.

You do have an affect on H, it is up to him to accept it or not. By the way, you have an affect/influence upon more than just H. However, that’s not the driving force. Believe and become you! The rest will follow.

D