Hi Karen:

I promised myself that I would be completely honest with myself and others about my thoughts and feelings on this forum, so here is what is going on in my head! I sometimes find when I write things down that I read them and then go "I sound so immature, or selfish" so here goes - this is how I feel:

To answer your questions - my emotional outbursts usually have to do with how I feel H should act towards me, if he indeed does want our marriage healed and reconcilation. Sex is a big issue - ironically, he was always the chaser, and I the avoides in the first years. When things started to go south between us, I began to pursue him, and our sex life was great. It was the only good emotional involvement we had for a while - what I don't understand is now that things are better for us otherwise, H's sex drive seems to have dropped. I get really hurt by this, and that hurt will swirl around in my head and I'll start to imagine other hurts until I'm in such a state that I can't see us being married to each other.

I do recognize that I am very insecure because of his rejection and moving out, and it's done a huge number on my self-esteem. I'm having difficulty rebuilding my self-esteem with this perceived sexual rejection. Intellectually I understand the best thing to do is to just leave him alone, accept what I have, and things will most likely improve, but in reality this is very hard and I guess I'm asking for help in this.

I've also found I've turned into the green-eyed monster with him - although there is no one else, I am jealous of any other women he talks to or mentions about work. I hate this about myself!! He has given me no reason to not trust him, but I seem to have convinced myself he would love to be with someone else. This also comes from insecurities I feel when we first saw a counselor, who asked him what he wanted from our marriage - he said "to be able to love someone", and at that time, he didn't mean me. I guess I hold on to things he has said, and don't or won't believe things have changed. Last fall when he came to me and said he wanted to separate for a time was so devastating, even though I know believe it did a lot of good for both of us. I'm just so scared he'll do it again!

H does not handle my outbursts well. He feels controlled, frustrated and demeaned. My outbursts are not short - I tend to go into a rant, that goes round and round about my feelings, how hurt I am, how his actions or inactions have hurt me. H is a typical man in many ways - avoid conflict at all costs - so it is difficult to have a conversation with him about our R, especially because I am not very reasonable.

H has told me what helps him - and that is acceptance of who he is - no demands, no controlling. He is not the type of person who will take advantage of me - but a very kind and decent man. This is why I have stayed and persevered. He says that when he comes back from his solo bike trips, he feels very loving to me and good about us. So you ask why the heck do I try and disrupt that???? I don't know - some kind of insanity I guess.

H doesn't seem to WANT to be more amorous, so no, he hasn't told me what will help. He has said he will try and initiate more often, but really doesn't. Karen, I'm sure my H is like yours - crying and outbursts dump cold water all over them. But as I said before - when my mind starts down that road, I can't seem to stop it.

Your comment about stopping bringing up my insecurities is right on the button - I'm sure this drives him nuts, and is a strong bear repellent .

Hi Cathy

I do think I am making much more out of the sleeping apart thing then I should. The latest upset I had over this was caused by something I read in a book - in the book, there was a couple who were married 20 years and slept together "naked and like spoons" every night - how real is that??? I know this, but seem to be affected by things I see on tv, or hear my co-workers say at work - someone says "Oh, Tim had to get up in the night to let the puppy out", this kind of thing upsets me because I wouldn't even know my H is up because he's in a different room! I know this sounds very immature, but as I said, I'm being honest. I seem to get a standard of how something should be, and get upset if my life doesn't follow it.

Something else I've noticed about myself - for years everyone said I had the best husband, the best marriage - and it bugs me that I don't have that anymore (or perceive I have it). I don't like others having something better then me (again, I'm being honest). Yikes, I'm scaring myself with the thoughts that are coming out.

I had to really think about your comment regarding my H not minding me having my own life - H did mind me having a lot of outside activities and friends - but it was because he felt he then couldn't, because someone needed to be there for the kids. We have discussed this, and it still confuses me (right now, I had to squash the urge to go running to H and discuss this with him - now you see why I have a problem - he just now returned from an all day bike ride and is in a great and loving mood - and I want to discuss our R with him!! The poor guy. Fortunately, I stopped myself I think H felt he was left at home all the time, plus I was not into sex very much, so I think that's where the neglect came in. He felt controlled because he felt he didn't have a choice in either being able to do what he wanted, or in being able to have sex. BUT, he didn't voice this to me, that is why I felt this wasn't a problem, although now I see it definitely was.

My "shoulds" and "expectations" are definitely not my H's, this I completely understand. What I want to know is not how to make H want to do what I want him to do, but rather how I can stop the thought processes that lead me down the should and expectation paths.

Thank you again for your input.

Maggie