It's been quite awhile since I've checked in here, just far too busy between work, kids and various GAL activities. Haven't read anyone else's sitch in forever but still want to try and give something back to the boards in the future. I'm like a broken record on that, I know. One of these days.
So my D is FINAL. As in the judge approved the papers and we are officially done. As much as you can be when you still have two young kids together anyway. A couple of my buddies wanted to go out for a big steak dinner to celebrate, but truth be told getting the papers finalized was very anti-climatic for me, as the MR was dead and buried for me pretty quickly after BD. So no celebration dinner per se, though we are going to get some steaks soon just because. To celebrate life in general and friendship.
I see my ex pretty frequently due to kids activities and it's fine. It's easy in part because I don't want her back and would not take her back in the unlikely event she asked to give it another shot. She can feel that I have zero interest in her and zero time for her other than to get straight to the point of kid logistics. In social settings involving other parents it's all good and many people have commented how great it is that we can get along and be at the same events in the same group of people and it's cool.
I started dating but nothing remotely serious. In my prior experience as a bachelor, I have always just lived my life and done my thing and dated around for fun, and eventually an amazing women just seems to fall in my lap. I am not seeking, I am just living, and letting life unfold. Summer is underway and it is going to be a really great one.
In doing the occasional retrospectives on my MR, I have pretty clearly identified my mistakes and owned them. As for my exes overly critical and harsh commentary toward me, among other issues, I could have and some say should have BD'd her years ago due to her BS, but I don't really regret not doing so. I got several extra years of full time with the kids under one roof, which was fantastic. I have to admit that I might feel a little more swagger now if I had just BD'd her and said enough, you're out, but it's not really grinding on me or bothering me that I didn't.
Listen, I saw evidence of my exes personality issues when we were dating and called her out at the first instant i saw a potential problem. She clearly understood me and appeared to course-correct. I thought we had an understanding but her core nature never did change and the harshness resurfaced after kids. But I take responsibility because I married her and did not have to. I could have been more skeptical that she had changed in her core being. I feel good about looking at myself and accepting responsibility for making the decision to marry her despite what i had seen in her.
My reaction to her critical harshness was sometimes perfect and sometimes not, and I'm fine with all of it. When I wasn't perfect it's because I'm human and also because I was grasping for alternative approaches to just get her to effing stop when the right responses weren't getting results. Ultimately, I now believe that the best response was probably to have just BD'd her when my appropriate reactions had no effect, instead of some of the other stuff i did. Oh well. Lessons learned. But look i think it is important to say that I was and am not a victim. I felt for awhile that i had somewhat slipped into that mentality but that feeling is mostly gone. It helps to say it out loud. I am not a victim.
Anyway I've rambled on for too long. I encourage everyone to stay positive, GAL and don't let your sitch drag you down. Don't allow your identity to be defined by your WW or WAW. Take control of you life, all of it, grab it with both hands. Unless you believe in reincarnation, this is it so make the most of it. Don't be afraid of being alone for awhile, or of new experiences and R's. Don't let fear dictate your decisions. Put a smile on your face and watch how much better it will make you feel, it really works.
