She's Gone Again - 10 Years On

[smilie]

Communication takes work from both parties. Listening is challenging. When I asked about the issues she raised 10yrs ago in therapy, you cited your 180s but not her issues. Should we assume they are the same? If her original issues went unheard or unresolved, I could imagine her giving up on communication.

Her issues from what I can remember were that she felt overwhelmed because I was out of work for a while and she came home each day to me having to be upbeat, as I was run down due to being our of work. (It was a recession and it took me 2 years to find work. I found an IT contract 2 months after she left. When I found work she continued to come and go for 7 months) She also had an issue with thinking I was seeing a girl at work as she had read an email that I sent and interpreted it as flirting - it wasn't and was just me being nice! I was an IT support guy and sent emails to loads of people. I've have never looked at another woman since we have been together. It was also mentioned that I didn't listen. The thing with this is that she never raised any issues to listen to, so that was confusing.

So basically, I think it was because she was overwhelmed as we were fighting for our house and creditors were chasing for money as I was out of work and she was the only person bringing in the income. Much like now, I suppose - although there are no creditors chasing and we are renting.

We have spoken about this over the past 7 years though and she has mentioned that it's fine. I don't like not bringing in an income and have had a fair few ideas to get something started from home on my own terms and for us to work on that together. She says that she was interested in doing that, but never did anything towards it and I was waiting for her to sort-of commit to it as some money would have been necessary to be spent to start with.

Perhaps she saw this as me not doing what I was saying I wanted to do? I don't know.

I'm explaining this as it appears that I am a lazy git, but I'm really not and this Vestibular Migraine condition is awful to live with, with constant dizziness, chronic fatigue, eye and ear issues, etc.

As for your 180s--1) being more independent, 2) being more fit, 3) finding ways to entertain yourself without her--you say you stopped these. It's easy to imagine intermittent vertigo making these more challenging. It's hard to imagine there weren't ways to do them if they were a priority, especially item #2 and #3.

Until my initial vertigo attack I was doing ok. I was more independent and I worked at my fitness levels at the gym. My dizziness isn't intermittent though and when I had that violent vertigo attack it was hard. It was hard to get around and just function for the first 3 years or so, so of course I fell into becoming dependent on my wife again. What else could I do? It was as much as I could do to get through each day. Still to this day, it's a similar story, but I have always kept my fitness levels up as much as I can.

I guess now her only obligation to you is to write a check.

And this is so sad, isn't it? Makes me feel useless.

Are you reaching out to find support groups and/or services for your condition? Family? Neighbors? Churches? In my area, many will help, even if the help's not comprehensive. This must be an especially challenging time for you and I hope you're getting aid.

There aren't any support groups, except a couple online which I gave up on as it was all about people wanting to take pills and I couldn't stare at a computer screen all the time because of my eyes. I have no family and neighbours that I reached out to don't want to know. Absolutely nobody has come to see if I'm OK. Even the doctors don't want to know or understand - a common theme that I have had for 7 years. Yes it is challenging and this stress makes it even more so as it makes symptoms much worse.

Well after typing this I feel like I'm a lazy SoB that won't work and has relied on his wife (without discussion) to bring in the money. Although factually this is the case, this isn't how discussion have been and I'm really not lazy. I would do anything to be able to work and to bring in an income, I truly would, and it is so upsetting to think that having this condition that I can't control and didn't asked for, is the one thing that has ruined my marriage, just because of money.

My wife knew that I was conscious of this and I have always suggested starting up different forms of income that we could do together in spare time and I could work on during the day. She said that she was up for it but when it came to doing anything with the ideas, she never committed. So I was always waiting for her to want to work together, which never happened. I should have started alone perhaps, in hindsight.