The light approaches... slowly

[may22]

U,

You have gone through SO. MUCH. I truly can't imagine how it must have felt to have the person who you chose to spend your life with and raise children together with act in the ways she has. It is simply wrong, on so many levels. I am really glad you updated as I think about you often and truly, what you have gone through--at the hands of a person who you trusted and loved--is difficult to comprehend. You are strong and I am so happy to hear you are on the other side of all this.

In reading through your post and the responses of others, I guess I would just share a few thoughts for you to take or leave:

-- you deserve a break and you should take one. You have had to be so "on" all the time to defend yourself and your children that I hope you can give yourself a major mental break for awhile, to heal and recuperate.

-- I agree that what you have gone through can rightly be called trauma.

-- I guess I wonder if you have been able to truly grieve and process all the feelings and loss you have experienced? Not saying the loss of your XW (you are certainly better off without that toxicity any more in your life than necessary) but the loss of what you thought you had, the loss of the dreams you had together? Not that this would be the appropriate time for any of that, but I do agree with WF that perhaps the current detachment you are experiencing is a trauma response and that you will probably want to address what lies beneath at some point in the future. Maybe something to consider in the new year, to at least check in with yourself?

--I know you practice yoga and meditation and surf (which I think I remember you saying was kind of a meditative process for you). Are you still doing this? I feel -- at least when you were posting regularly before-- that you were someone who was really in touch with yourself and honest with yourself about how you were doing. My question is to you is-- do YOU think you're burying your feelings under the detachment or were you able to process it all in real time? This has been such a lengthy situation and you do have such self-awareness that it is quite possible you have. And again... no need to dig into any of this now. Just a question for some time in the future, once you've been able to breathe again for a bit.

And if you are still regularly practicing meditation-- what do you think about the loving kindness meditation? That might be helpful for you, once you're ready, to think about forgiveness in a different way.

xx M