Hello everyone - I had to create a new login name because I forgot my old one. Oh well. Anyway, I am very familiar with DB, and have (I think) successfully applied it to my marriage, but I'm having problems with my emotions, and that is where I need help.
My sitch: H and I have been married 24 years, 3 kids. H was always the giver - he is an introverted guy, and never liked being around a lot of people. This caused problems for me, as I'm an extrovert, so I started creating a life with my friends - this wasn't a problem to H, but being treated like a doormat was. After 18 years, he dropped the bomb and said he didn't love me anymore, couldn't handle being controlled and neglected. This was devastating to me, because I love this kind, decent man so much, and I really had to do a self-evaluation of why I treated him the way I did. Basically, over the last 5 years, we have been holding the marriage together by a thread - culminating in him moving out last November for 4 months. There has been no one else.
During the period he was moved out, he was a changed man - he was here all the time, became much more loving and more enjoyable to be around. We really began to heal. Although he didn't tell me he loved me, I was beginning to feel it and heal from the juge rejection that I had felt before.
In March, he moved back home. I was so scared everything would fall to pieces again. And over the last 2 months I have had a very difficult time, because I seem to get it into my head that we should be spending every moment together "healing", and I find myself incredibly oversensitive to everything he does and says. It's very hard on him - I have told him how sensitive I am, and hes understanding of that. He has told me he wants to be here and make the marriage work, which is what I want to hear, but I can't seem to stop my emotions from working overtime, questioning every little thing he does and says.
We had a talk last night after another of my emotional breakdowns - and he reassured me that he does want to be home. These emotional breakdowns on my part are very wearing on him, yet I can't seem to stop them! There are also 2 other issues which contribute to my insecurities about him wanting the marriage - his sex drive has dropped - we used to have sex about twice a week, not it's once a week. I get so uptight about this, but he says it's just because he's getting older (he's 45), and his job is so stressful (which it is), but I take it personally. I wish I didn't, but I need some support in this - what to do? I don't want to push him into having sex more often, because I feel that's not fair to him. The other issue is when this all started 5 years ago, we started sleeping in different rooms. We still are, because we now find it incredibly difficult after 5 years to sleep together (due to snoring and noisy moving about on both our parts). For some reason I think this is a really bad thing - that couples should sleep together - he feels it doesn't mean anything - we can still have a loving relationship and get a good night's sleep. Please comment.
The final issue is that I feel he should be suggesting things for him and I to do alone, so we can have quality time together to get closer. He says that he's never been that way, and that we do spend time together (which is true - I guess I'm trying to make it more romantic or something).
I guess the bottom line is I keep thinking he "should" be acting a certain way, otherwise the marriage won't survive, and when those "shoulds" don't happen, I get terribly scared, which feeds into my alread reduced self-confidence. How do I just enjoy the fact that we are back together, that he does want the marriage, without having so many expectations?
Sorry for the long post! And thank you in advance.
