5 years pieced & COVID SIP has silver linings

[OnlyBent]

OB-- since I think you're talking about me dropping off

I didn't have you in mind necessarily but appreciate you responding.

I will tell you that I was a regular poster for a lot of months and tried my very best to fight against the negativity by being positive and trying to offer- when I thought it made sense-- an alternative perspective. I think what JJ is talking about is that anytime posters recommend anything BUT kicking your LBS to the curb and maybe they'll come back after many years, or if your WS is waffling tell them to commit NOW or GTFO, we are put down. In my case, my educational background was thrown in my face and my spouse (and choice to stay with him) ridiculed. And on top of it I was gaslit, being accused of trying to control what others are posting when I was very careful and clear to state that we simply weren't all on the same page on advice and there were alternative perspectives that deserved to be heard. I don't understand why there is such venom and anger towards advising patience and being open to the potential of positive growth within your spouse and your R. And it wasn't just that final straw-- it had been happening at one level or another pretty much anytime I posted anything that didn't adhere to the current standard of "move on".

It sounds like you have felt pretty attacked and unfairly treated, I am sorry that you have felt that.

And if you're looking for an example of a poster who didn't R but is saying that the board has turned negative, AnotherStander (an incredible vet who has helped probably thousands of LBSs, including me) said it himself a few posts above.

Yep fair point, I stand corrected (no pun intended).

advice given to you may not have been any different that advice given to him, because DB-ing isn't about your spouse. It is all about you! You have zero control over your WS's actions. You do have control over your own. You can focus on yourself, practice 180s, and drop the rope no matter what your WS is doing-- off in fantasyland with AP or sharing your home. Different paths have different complications, and different people have different abilities to handle the difficulties of each scenario, so you'll see suggestions based on helping each LBS figure out FOR THEMSELVES what their own values and boundaries are, and come to their own decision of how they want to proceed. It might mean moving out and filing for divorce. It might mean waiting for some length of time while GALing and working on yourself. I'm glad you're growing-- that's great. Whether our spouses come back or not, DB-ing is for you

Couldn't agree more. Feel free to read my thread and see the progress I made in truly understanding this.