She's Gone Again - 10 Years On

[smilie]

smilie, one word of advice. Do not look for excuses to reach out. This is a common mistake by LBSs. "I had to contact her because she is supposed to be here to pick up her close in 3 weeks." ?? Really? Does her coming by to get clothes on 7/10 warrant an email on 6/22?

Your mind will trick you into this kind of logic because the longer you go without contact the bigger the loss of control will get. Most of us can only handle that feeling to a certain point and then we feel we need to act. We call it the delusion of actions. "IF I am doing something, then I am still in control!"

Remember this: Doing nothing IS doing something. If she doesn't come get her clothes, no skin off your nose right? It is her that is having to live without them. It is her that should be reaching out to make the arrangements.

The rules of engagement with her at this point should be really simple: Do not initiate contact. If she does, then: If it is informational then you have no reason to respond. If it is a question, then answer it only after some time has passed (not right away) and in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.

I know you said it feels horrible, but as you get better at it that will change. It will actually feel empowering! It is amazing how LBSs react when the WAS isn't sad, mopey, down, depressed. When you are upbeat, friendly but not overly, pleased, even fulfilled they will start to wonder why and what is going on. After a few exchanges like the above you will start seeing her "temp checking" you. To see if you've moved on or if she still has you on the hook.

sandi's 37 rules are GOLD. PURE GOLD

Ah but, this has already happened. So on 15th June, she emailed me to say that she would like to come and collect her clothes. She has arranged for he sister to come with her and asked if 10:30 would be ok. She asked me to let her know".

I waited until today as I wanted to respond just before my lawyer's letter went out. It was also important to let her know about the change to the Standing orders as this would impinge on my lawyers demands if I didn't do that. I wrote in response:

"Yep, that's all fine for the 10th.

I have also attached the lasted Council Tax Bill so that you can adjust the standing orders appropriately. I think the amounts are shown in the bottom box together with the dates. You'll find a fair decrease!

See ya,"

That's it!

I was not finding and excuse, it was something she requested over a week ago. I just waited this long to respond. Perhaps I should have waited to see if she would have chased then? Then she may have thought I was chasing after my lawyers letter went out (tomorrow) which his what I was concerned about.

Perhaps I misunderstood the "rules of engagement?". Seemed appropriate to me.