Wayfarer is my new favorite poster so I repost a gem she posted in MLC:
The process of "coming out of it" whether it be waywardness or MLC isn't linear. We would like it to be, but it never it. Which as ovr states its important to focus on your basic DBing tenets. Detach, GAL, and 180. But not to save the MR to save yourself from the chaos. To grow and learn. To heal. And to move forward what ever direction that may be.
As far as my opinion on the above MRs mine included I don't think a single one of these was a case of full blown MLC. MLC is a different animal entirely. In the newbie area there's a lot of poopooing of naming the problem with a WS/WAS because there's a certain group of folks who are of the the thinking that naming the problem is just giving a name to the monster allowing an LBS to excuse terrible behavior of the WS/WAS. But my personal opinion after being here almost 2 years and reading tons and tons of threads you can classify the WS/WAS. I'd say all of our spouses fell more into the wayward category than MLC.
Most of them have a touch of MLC or milestone year crisis, but it's mostly difficulties in the marriage combined with questioning life choices/FOO turmoil/mental health/addiction/etc and making a series of selfish decisions to cope. They deal with their inner turmoil by turning further and further outward from the marriage, their spouse and themselves instead of inward to deal with the relationship and personal emotional crisis. i.e. If I sleep with this person I'll fill the holes in my soul - If I flirt with this person I'll feel worthwhile - If I leave this relationship I'll be happy - If I start over it'll fix everything. Sort of MLC thinking but they don't like go through regression or replay or what ever you call it. They just want to fix things with an escape not return to youth.
As I said above I don't think I can say any of the above people who reconned, and adding May to that list, had a spouse in a full blown MLC. They were waywards. They share similar traits, they put us through similar trials but its just not the same thing. And all of us who reconned have had very, very different paths, very different MRs starting out, very different WS/WAS, very different family situations. Some of us went beginning to end with the spouse in the home. Some WS left and came back. Blu's H left to live with the OW. She had pretty much written off recon. May and I put ourselves through some really hurtful moments trying to stand for our MRs while in an IHS. My H was having a very active, very public PA/EA while still in the home. There is very little all of the above LBSs shared in common except the feelings we were/are dealing with.
I know reading through a lot of the archived stuff there were MLC recons. But it's pretty few and far between. MLCers put the people nearest and dearest to them through some really awful stuff for years. It's a big ask on their part for an LBS to 1) continue to stand and 2) forgive and repair the marriage after all of that. What we we're put through with waywards is so short term in comparison to what a lot of MLC LBS have to deal with. It's a lot easier to forgive 4 months, 6 months, 18 months of chaos than it is to forgive years upon years of that. And as JJ stated on the other thread this is part choice and part chance. We recon because we wanted the recon and so did our spouses. There was always a potential that one of us wouldn't want that. And like ovr said above there is no predicting or controlling the outcome in these things.
Sorry for the book. I know you asked a simple question looking for a simple answer, but I don't know that any of this stuff has simple answers.
