She's Gone Again - 10 Years On

[BL42]

smilie,

Sorry you're in this situation, but glad you're here seeking help...

Background: 10 years ago I was out of work due to losing my job and the recession. It took me 1.5 years to get a suitable position. Now, this time, I have not been able to work due to ill health for 7 years. She says it's not because of that and she doesn't know what it is.

So you've been unemployed for 7 years? That's a very long time. Regardless of what she says (a common saying around here is believe none of what they say) it seems likely it could be a factor in play in your sitch.

Are you still in very bad health? If you are able to work I'd recommend seeking out employment for several reasons. First, it will give you some purpose / reason to get out of bed in the morning. Second, it will help you meet and interact with new people. Third, it will improve your financial status. Fourth, maybe (just maybe) it'll improve her view of you (but don't make that the reason).

Well the wife is 45 in August and I am 55, so there's 10 years between us which has never really been a problem, that I've noticed. We don't have any kids, which is a bit of an emotional subject, but happy to discuss.

Sorry about your struggles with having kids. That must have been difficult and probably added stress to the relationship. That said, no children may make your sitch a bit easier in terms of detachment as you won't have to constantly interact related to child care.

She had an affair with me prior to leaving her boyfriend and left him in the same manner as she's left me now and 10 years previously (2011).

Sounds like the two of you didn't come into the relationship on the best terms. This might be a bit of karma coming your way, as you may be experiencing what her ex did when she cheated with you. Maybe she told you how bad her Ex was and it made you feel she/you were justified in cheating? But then it turned out it was her all along.

It has amazed me how she has fitted in an affair. The only way she could have done this is to take days off work without me knowing. I kept saying to her that I am aware that she hasn't taken any days off work and that she needs to have a break. Huh! Unbenown to me, she was, more than likely! Days off with the OM and only a 15 minute walk from her office to home. I could have gone down to her work at any point and met her for lunch and found that she wasn't there. But that never happened and I can't work out how she has done this.

My Ex-W had to "go in work early" and "stay late" and literally had relations in the office during the work day to the point HR/administration got involved. Another common thing I've read on this forum is how when there's a will (to cheat) there's always a way (to cheat) regardless of what the LBS thinks about their schedule...they'll figure out a way to do it. Hence, you can't control it.

My lawyer is on it and will be requesting that the balance of the monies that were not evenly distributed, be paid back.

Good you have a lawyer - protect yourself!

I can relate to how you're feeling, Smilie.

Mine left when we were looking at houses to buy. It made zero sense to me that she was thinking about pulling the plug. I obsessed over the reasons why it happened for months on end.

The anxiety was the worst part for me. Feeling light headed and nauseous all the time was crazy making.

For me, my saving grace was the gym. I hit the gym hard and still do to this day, it's became my therapy.

You can also watch vids on YouTube about letting go etc. There are several good Ted Talks you can find online that I think would benefit you.

Mine was doing yard work, buying new carpets, recently re-did the family room and one of the bathrooms, asking my mother about Summer family vacation. Made no sense. But it is was it is.

Its easy to figure out

Anything you think or the average person thinks,
the opposite will be true.

If you think left then it is right, and vice versa.

All that being said,
I agree don't try to figure it out.

Brilliant! So basically I'm Alice at the Mad Hatter's tea party then?! You made me smile :-)

Alice at the Mad Hatter's tea party. Great analogy! I'm gonna remember that one.

So perhaps she'll start thinking differently knowing that she has to pay out almost the same as if she was living here, plus funding her new life.

Logic NEVER wins out in these cases.

True, and yet it's so hard to understand.