I am not detached, Pack19 part4

[Pack_19]

Hi all!

Thanks a lot for your comments and apologies I have been out for so long. New project is up and running and I am leading it solo, it is really intense, it involves computer vision, OCR and orchestration of automated pipelines for training and inference in ML within a very restricted environment. It is going amazing, even my manager has complimented me on the state of the project. Yay!

I have joined a couple or running races in October and I cannot wait, I bought a water camel bag for outdoor long runs and I am going to buy a road bike and start swimming to join a sprint triathlon when I feel prepared. Crossfit continues to impress me and helps me meet new people, it feels like you are a member of a great community.

I am working on accepting this is permanent, I try to fight all my thoughts that take me back to our time in the UK and Germany and telling me this hell is temporary and my life will change thanks to all the effort and work I am putting on myself. I have no contact with W, even when I exchange the kids I just give them the best goodbye hugs and kisses and I leave. I think a lot about the day when Sandi wrote to me that I had to build a life without her and grow stronger, that is where my compass is pointing to.

The time I spend with the kids continues to be fantastic. We have been a couple of times to the beach on long weekends and the fact that I work with people in Dubai for this project means I can leave early on Fridays. I am playing a ps4 game with s7 that he loves and we have such a blast together, I pretend to be worse than I really am to let him shine and he is just so happy. S2, soon to be 3, has started calling me out as daddy, he will sometimes shout daddy look! and do some funny thing. Regarding the work-kids decision, I already made that when I was in Munich and visiting every 15 days and I am not going back to that life. It just makes me frustrated because I keep getting recruitment calls (none of them in Spain) and as you might remember I got the "needs improvement" review in my team and I don't think it was fair. I still have so much to give and so much to shine professionally but I have to be in Seville 50% of my time and cannot take the kids with me to Madrid or London, that is what hurts the most. I am sure you will understand what I am trying to say.

Last weekend I went to a racetrack to drive a Ferrari 488 for 2 laps as my bd gift from last year. While I was there, having the time of my life, I was thinking "Why did I give up on this dream? this is what makes my heart go bonkers and gives me goosebumps. I need to fight for this, for my dreams, I want a life where I can have a decent car and take it to the track and that is not going to be easy, but I know I can make it happen (does not have to be a Ferrari of course, but that is my dream)". I also took S7 karting and he was scared, I had all this expectations that he was going to have a great time and we would both love it and he ended up crying in the middle of the track because I went for a fast lap and left him driving his kid kart "alone". I felt terrible, like I was pushing my passion on him to hard but at the same time it was a sad day for me, I had expected the outcome to be totally different.

A couple of weeks ago I was very busy and missed the calls from W to speak to S7 at the end of the evening. When we exchanged the kids she walked to me in her righteous way to tell me if I was not going to enable communication I could not have shared custody and that she could have taken custody from me. I told her I had been very busy, I was not punishing her and that I am not scared of her threats and manipulation anymore. In fact, I told her to go seek a judge as I was more than ready to D the woman she has become. Then she told me she did not want that because she has nothing against me as a father but she told me I would not leave until I committed to having S7 calling her everyday. I tried to leave and she was holding my car's door. I told her I did not want a scene and that if she wanted to get to me, threats and manipulation were the wrong path. I kissed my kids goodbye, left, cried in the car at home and immediately went for one of my killer runs at 4:30 min/km.

We are getting the keys to our flat in Munich at the beginning of July and she has started sending me all this politically correct emails saying we need to communicate because of the kids, telling me she knows I hate her and to put it aside, saying she is entitled to decide about the house. You know the story, I am paying the mortgage alone since she left home at the end of 2019, on top of a more than generous alimony that was agreed when I was in a very dark emotional place. I have made some unfortunate comments in the past and I want to rely on this board to help me face this as a man of integrity and values as I consider myself to be. Something I had worked so hard to achieve, the education and the life for my kids in a city with so many opportunities and all I can think of is to handle the process myself and inform her only of essentials. Am I being immature here? This subject hurts me beyond words can explain and I am scared I might be reacting to it emotionally, I just cant help it. I am sure you will also understand what I mean.

Last week W sent me an email because her brother is getting married, kids are with me and she wants them to be part of the religious ceremony. I did not want them to go, not to hurt her, is just I think is a farce that she wants our children to be active part of a religious wedding ceremony. Again, a man of principles with a mature mindset, I have ended up telling her we can swap that weekend for another one because I imagine it is important for her that they are there. To that she has replied that she only wants them to attend the mess at 20:00 on Saturday. I answered that they are little children and should not be traveling for that short and coming back that late, she gets the weekend and I get another weekend in August as an exchange. I am not going to be mean, but things are going to go my way now (in all that involves my life).

I have confirmation there have been more than one OM. I do not care this is the mother of the two best things I have in my life, I deserve so much better. Las time I tried to talk to her about the future she said "she was aware the father of her children was not going to be in her life and it was my fault. She said it has been 2 years already and I should move on and that there were going to be men in her life I would never meet". As proud as I am of my changes and new found respect as a man, you can imagine how it hurt listening to those words from the person that swore you faithfulness. W also told me she was fired from her previous job and now she earns a lower salary, which means for the D after we sell the house I might face the same unfair alimony I have now because of differences in our salaries. Turns out life in Munich with the monster of her ex husband was not so bad after all and all the things I valued from what we had achieved are indeed worth the effort I put on them.

The loneliness issue is not about dating or not, I might have given there a false impression. I have a lot on my plate at work because I want to grow and promote, I am learning a lot and it is great, but on top of that I am the father of 2 kids half the time and one of them is 2 and needs a lot of attention. I will try to make more plans and be social and talk to strangers. I have always been a cheerful person, I smile, I make jokes, I laugh at my own jokes. It should not be hard for me to make new friends wherever I go.

I need to save Pack from all that I have been through. I need to solidify my changes and rediscover love and respect for the man I am and the values I have. I need to believe I am a great father, worker, runner, friend, son and brother and I need to write in my head I deserve so much more than W.

I will come more often, you always help me make the right decisions as a man of honor and principles.

P - Running and biking. Get ready for the marathon, continue to improve my records in cross-fit. Keep up great hygiene. Find ways to develop my muscles and read about diet and exercise.
I - Promote at work, read my books about men and woman. Make a list of my unalterable terms and use any opportunity to learn and grow as a person. Pass the motorbike test, save for the car I always wanted, make it happen.
E - Talk to friends and family, quality time with my children. Practice active listening and validation, specially with women around me. Be social and fun again.
S - Forgive myself for my mistakes, keep an eye on the father and man I am. Find peace that I tried my best and it was never in my hands to R. Detach and GAL