She's Gone Again - 10 Years On

[smilie]

Hi Smile, if I'm reading correctly your STBXW has a habit of exit affairs, not just for closure but also because she can't tolerate being alone. You know this because that's how you two got together in the first place. The last time this happened you say she and her affair partner didn't work out, and she returned home.

You are right here as far as exit affairs are concerned. Yes this is how we got together and she has never lived alone in her life, went from Home -> BF1 -> BF2 -> BF3 -> Me -> OM. It was my assumption that her PA didn't work out, as I didn't know if she was having an affair at the time, but it would be logical this is what happened.

If it's theft, report it to the police. In America, you might feel angry, but this would not be theft. A joint account is both peoples' property and, in a divorce settlement, both spouses would get an equal share. I point this out because sometimes we're quick to attribute someone's actions as villainy after a breakup.

My lawyer is on it and will be requesting that the balance of the monies that were not evenly distributed, be paid back. I get your point about villainy and there has been considerable potential fraudulent behaviour that I am waiting on, such as setting up a joint account 3 weeks prior to leaving and trigger and pension lump sum payment to that account and potentially supply 'certified copies' of my personal documents without my knowledge. This may not be the case and may be jumping to conclusions. Seeing as she is a lawyer, if she has done this then it will be fraudulent behaviour. I am waiting to hear back from the pension company who have opened a case to retrieve all documents submitted. I sincerely hope that I am wrong on this.

There is also about £7-8k that needs to be accounted for.

Making ultimatums and then not keeping them is a weak behavior that reduces her trust in your words. I'd still value WHAT YOU WANT more than A PROMISE TO A CHEATER. Since you asked if there's hope, I assume you are not certain you want a divorce. Opt for boundaries instead of ultimatums in the future. Since a boundary controls your behavior, not hers, they rarely require an advance announcement. That's a good litmus test for Boundaries vs. Ultimatums.

I wasn't aware that this was an ultimatum, bearing in mind that it was an agreed boundary that was set during one of our counselling sessions 9 years back. The boundary was that if she goes again without any conversation or hint that anything was wrong, then she would basically be showing me that she no longer wanted the relationship and therefore I would give her what she wanted.

I suppose it does sound like and ultimatum as I type it, but this was what was agreed between us back then

The biggest red flag to me is you say you thought there was "no issue". I was shocked my XGF walked out on me, and my XW was shocked I walked out on her, but in both cases issues had been expressed. It's hard to imagine an issue-free relationship. It's easier to imagine one where one or both parties give up on expressing issues and allow resentment to build. When did this "no issue" period begin? What were her issues just before it began? Why did you both stop talking about and working on those issues?

Seriously, no issues have been expressed by her ever in the 10 years since last time. Right up until the day before she left when I got wind that she was going to run again, we were living as a happy married couple. Sharing a bed, holding hands (outside and indoors), kissing, being affectionate and talking about our plans for the future.

With WAW I am aware that they typically do nag and complain. Nothing. It is exactly like SAS (Spousal Abandonment Syndrome), where no complaints are made, everything seems normal until such time as they go without word or warning.

When she last split, what were her issues, and what 180s did you make? Did you keep-up with those?

180's last time: become more independent, spend time at the gym, do my own stuff rather than always do stuff with her - can't remember the rest. i haven't kept up with them as 3.5 year after we got back together I had a severe vertigo attack that changed my life and the dizziness has never gone, which I why I cannot work. So once again I have fallen back to depend on her and allow her to be in control over everything, simple because I was too ill for about 5 years when it was really bad.

When she last split, did you GAL, and did you keep-up with those friends/habits you built?

I did for a while until I got taken ill. One of the guys at the gym I was friendly with got killed in a motorbike accident. After that and becuase I wasn't very well al of the time, I stayed at home a lot and made my W the centre of my world again. Silly me.

Did intimacy stop or slow significantly? It doesn't always, but this is often a good indicator of problems. If physical intimacy was always poor, this can also point to a 180 or moving on, depending on the cause.

Yes it has. It hasn't been the same since we got back together. Went through stages, but never the same and very infrequent. Also add to the mix that I was dizzy a lot of the time and was suffering from chronic fatigue, so in the bedroom I was asleep in minutes! This was not always the case though and we went through a stage of regularity. Never overly passionate thought like it was prior to the first time she left home.

She has never really done anything to spice it up. Since we moved sex has been almost non-existent. Maybe once a month or so. Recently she has just read her Kindle as soon as she got in bed - exactly the same behaviour as 10 years back.

OBVIOUSLY, she is AT LEAST 50% responsible for the demise of the relationship, and she's the one having a 3rd exit affair. If there was never any warning she was unhappy, even after therapy last time, imho the hope for a faithful relationship seems dimmer, even if you two reconcile.

I'm not being dismissive, but there was absolutely no warning in the slightest. I don't think there will be much scope for rebuilding the relationship. It would be good to see what happens from this point on though. I would be interested in what she does after receiving the letter from my lawyer - not threatening divorce - but paving the way forward for financial support, returning monies that were taken and answering some important questions for transparency. We'll see and I'm seriously not expecting anything apart from her wanting a D, but it seems strange that she stated this is what she wanted within 2 weeks of leaving, but she hasn't acted on what she said she was going to do - get her lawyer to send me a letter detailing her intentions going forward.

Thanks for your questions. They highlight that I didn't keep up the work as I had a serious health challenge and i still have to a large extent, that makes each day a personal challenge. I should have re-read MWD DR book again. But NEVER was there any verbal or behavioural indication in 10 years that there was an issue.