She's Gone Again - 10 Years On

[SteveLW]

"Overrn" mentioned these forums to me and suggested I post here.

I don't know where to start. 10 Years ago, just one year after marriage, my wife left. She went back and forth for a total of 9 months before she came home for good and wanted counselling. During that time I read and eventually adhered to as best I could "The Divorce Remedy". She promised there was no OM.

4 weeks ago tomorrow without any warning and living as we have for the past 10 years she went again, wanting space. Lying she was going to stay with her sister and that she had booked a hotel instead. Two days later I received a text message saying that she is not coming home as she has feelings for somebody else. Since then she had admitted adultery and said she wants a divorce. However 10 days after she said that her lawyer would be sending me something, nothing has happened.

Initially I wanted answers and needed contact as she had information I needed. I no longer contact her and all communication from her lawyer needs to go direct to mine.

She has stolen money from the saving account just after leaving.

Is there any hope for resolution seeing as this is the second time around? Bearing in mind we were good for 10 years and I thought there was no issue.

Background: 10 years ago I was out of work due to losing my job and the recession. It took me 1.5 years to get a suitable position. Now, this time, I have not been able to work due to ill health for 7 years. She says it's not because of that and she doesn't know what it is.

Thanks.

smilie, welcome to the forum and I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. Your post struck a definite cord with me because I can relate to it a lot. I had my first sitch with my W in in an EA in 2005. And then 12 years later it happened again in 2017.

Now there were a lot of reasons for that relapse, most of them on my end. I allowed the dynamics that led to the first sitch to return to my MR in the 12 year period between them. I changed temporarily to "fix" things in 2005, and a few years later became the same old man again instead of cementing the changes I needed to make. I am not saying the same thing happened in your MR, but we do see that happen where the LBS panics, makes promises, changes, etc. And then when the crisis appears averted, resorts back to the position of comfort that they were in previously. A lot of human nature involved here as we are a lot like water as humans, we always look for the path of least resistance.

I am not going to lie, your situation sounds fairly advanced. We get a lot of sitches here where the BD just happened, but the WAS is still in the house. I am not saying there is no hope for reconciliation (I think you meant that instaed of resolution, your sitch will be resolved, one way or another).

smilie, you have a leg up on a lot of LBSs as you've read DR and been through this before. So you should already know what you should be doing. That you need to back off and give the WAS space. That you need to focus on yourself. That you need to prepare yourself for either eventuality (that she comes back or she doesn't). I am assuming that since you are looking for a "resolution" that you are open to her coming back? (I ask because for some LBSs a PA is a dealbreaker and the LBS is not interested in reconciliation after a PA has occurred.)

smilie, if I can get a tad personal, I feel like maybe there are some self-esteem issues involved on your end? You mention your job state 10 years ago, and then you mention your health now. I hope you aren't blaming yourself for that. When LBSs start to take too much blame for things outside of their control, I like to remind them of the vows their WAS committed to on their wedding day. Things like: For better or worse (job situations), in sickness and in health (illnesses), forsaking all others til death do us part.

What I notice a lot (happened with some very close friends of my W's and mine years ago) is that the WAS uses the hard times as an excuse for stepping outside of the marriage. It isn't that the affair happened because of job situations or illness, but those things are used as an excuse for the affair after the fact. Your WAW is saying that isn't the case, and that she doesn't know why. So at least she isn't falling into that trap. But out of everything she is saying, she doesn't know why is probably the closest thing to the truth you will get from her right now! Waywards often do not know why they are doing what they are doing, they do it because it is what their feeligns are driving them to do.

As ovr said, if you can provide more details to your sitch, that might help, but in general you need to fall back to the DB principles you learned 10 years ago.