It’s been about 4 months since I’ve updated so I thought I would pop on for a bit. I do still check here often and loosely follow several threads. I’m disappointed to see so many people leaving and no longer updating, but I understand why. Unfortunately the energy continues to shift in a negative direction and there is less quality support overall. I started reading here 7 years ago when my H left and things were quite different then. I have thought about if there is something different I can add to these boards, but I honestly don’t have the motivation to take this on. I also refuse to waste my time arguing with people online. This place is for support and advice, with healthy boundaries, and not for protecting your own ego, defending your position or for put downs. If someone reading this doesn’t like what I’m saying or agree with my assessments of the boards, I respectfully ask that you scroll through and NOT comment here with your own reply. I will not host a conversation about board usage on my own thread.
Where my M stands today. H has been back in the M for over 6 years. I have to think about the timeline because I lose track of the years now. Triggers and resentments continue to fade into the background. Occasional memories come up and I note them and move forward. I never thought this could be possible the first couple years of piecing because I felt so emotionally triggered so often. So I maintain my belief that all wounds do heal in time.
My M is not perfect at all. Is it better than pre BD? Maybe? I love my H and the home and family we created and continue to nurture. I think we have a stable and comfortable life together, which I love. Am I smitten or feel in love or in lust with him? Well, not like I was before all this! But that’s okay with me. I can also recognize I had an unhealthy love for him before BD for many years and perhaps even put him on a pedestal. And he was the nicest guy and super dad, but really, he didn’t know how to state his needs and was a doormat at times that could not stand up to me. I was in turn impatient and frustrated or even controlling. And round and round we spun. That dynamic is no more.
We still have our disagreements and frustrations. Some dynamics are the same because we are the same people. We are also more self aware and more willing to compromise and change. I think that might be the key to a relationship lasting. Both people have to learn to be more flexible and own their issues. I am still a work in progress and will always be.
I see so much conversations on what is a deal breaker for people and they seem to be these things one can measure — a PA, some amount of EAs, “abuse” (which people also define differently), moving out of the house, some amount of time separated, filing for D, etc, etc. Don’t we all have some bottom line when we enter a M? We all do! But let me tell you what happens when your spouse starts crossing those lines. Your perspective starts to shift as you go through the motions of it. As you both move forward, your actions, reactions and thus positions on said bottom lines will and do change! So stating “once this happens the M is over” is short sighted and ignorant. You do not know how you will feel until is actually happens! So please do not limit yourself or judge others. Because as a person that had a laundry list of bottom lines that got violated, I was forced to remeasure every value I had over and over again! But you know what? It’s been so many years now and my M works. It has nothing to do with our bottom lines or the betrayal we both committed. It works because we both choose to be here each day and make it work. That’s all folks. Step into a more open minded way of thinking and you will find more benefits.
I continue to work as usual. Covid has slowed down. Our family is going on 2 big vacations this summer and I’m really excited about that! Our adult daughter is joining us so that should be wonderful/fun/stressful. Lol. I think the biggest update I have is that I am doing really well in the GAL and self care department. I have found a way of eating and exercising that I love! I feel good about my health and my body. I also have maintained some amazing friends that really feed my soul. My kids are awesome but each have had various hardships we try and support them through.
I welcome positive and thoughtful replies. For those of you reading that might need some nonjudgemental support, please feel free to reply here. So many of you I think about and would love to speak with. If you are a poster or newcomer and want to ask me something, please do so.
May — if you are reading, I think about you often, and I can only imagine the rollercoaster you are on. I hope you will check in here if you see this!
All my best, Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
