It was quite amazing to watch my children mad at their Mom. My youngest son, S17 at the time, was so angry, all the time. His emotions would bubble up and at times boil over, lashing out at his siblings or me. I preferred he directed his misplaced anger my way, but I had no more control of that than anything else. Only gentle guidance and calm explanations. (Eventually. Lol)
D12 is rightly angry with her Dad. Her swearing illustrates the raw expression of her feelings. Swearing is rather uncultured and counterproductive, it serves to reinforce more than to let go and accept - a necessary step by the way so no worries. Once having expressed her feelings that way for a while she will calm somewhat and be open to gentle guidance.
Lead her to the realization that her feelings are from self. Dad is a trigger not the source. True, Dad “deserves” such anger but doesn’t “deserve” it. (Purposefully vague btw to highlight just how counterintuitive that is at first)
D12’s anger is part of her grief. Part of her loss. The loss of her Dad, her father figure. Recall how she was in love with him before. She was blind to what was going on. She has grown up a bit and some clarity has taken hold, and as such a loss of innocence and purity towards Dad.
Gentle guidance. Demonstrate and lead daughter it is still proper and ok to respect Dad. You don’t have to agree with his choice, just respect his right to make it. It’s ok to love her Dad, AND not like him (more not liking his behaviour actually instead of not liking the person). Her feelings are her’s, and come from herself, and are influenced (somewhat controlled) by herself.
Of course she is 12 and there are some pretty emotionally mature items of the list. It will take time for her to find her path. That’s good. Let her be a kid and slowly grow into adolescence and adulthood. There is plenty of age appropriate guidance you can provide as she continues to grow and develop. Besides, this is not all the time, there are games, movies, and all the other fun things of being a kid. Learning how to let go her angry feelings, seeing and learning the temporariness of feelings, will allow her to fully embrace and enjoy the good times. As I said, my S17 was angry all the time. Learning how to let go and set that aside once and a while was among some of the first steps.
It is a difficult path through the anger, the betrayal, and the loss for these kids. I’ve successfully traversed the fire swamp for myself and with my four children. And yes, I’ve gotten burnt and hurt along the way. Fire swamp - it’s looks like such a perilous journey from the starting side. And such a worthy trek with such worthy rewards - D12’s, son’s, and your healthy whole selves.
Be their beacon and role model. Compassion and forgiveness is light in the distance which we are heading towards. It’s always about the journey, not the destination.
D
Last edited by DnJ; 06/19/2101:38 PM.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
