#18 - Still working 2 years into Ring & Piecing

[SteveLW]

KC, I have never told another poster that they shouldn't be willing to take a spouse who cheated back UNLESS that poster said that a PA was a deal-breaker for them. We have had posters here that have said "PAs were always a deal-breaker for me. My WAS/WS knew that."

This is a different situation than a LBS that never espoused such a boundary.

I think every situation is different. And I've tried to approach every situation that way. I am one of the first here to encourage a LBS to be open to R when a WAS starts to show signs of wanting to come back. If it feels like those signs are real or genuine, then I start advising that LBS differently than I would when their spouse is showing no signs of wanting to come back. Or if the signs are more manipulation and smoke-screen.

So, for me, and I can only speak for myself, I try hard NOT to put my line in the sand on PAs on others, unless the other has stated the same. Because often times what happens is that LBSs are willing to give up their deal-breakers and roll over and take whatever the WAS/WS is willing to dish out all in the name of trying to "save" the MR. Nothing in MWD's writings suggests that the LBS should become a doormat. In fact, she has specifically stated in writing and in her videos NOT to be a doormat.

So yes, some posters may say "once a cheater, always a cheater". We have had many LBSs here who have been cheated on many many times over and need to hear that message. However, no matter what anyone else types or says, the LBS ALWAYS has the option of separating the wheat from the chaff, take the advice that makes sense in their situation, and ignore the advice that doesn't align with their own personal beliefs. For instance, after it was clear that you like alcohol, I stopped harping on you to not drink alcohol. I am a recovering alcoholics, 27 years sober. So I shouldn't put that on you! (However, DBing is hard enough when you are sober...many a LBS has regretted the drunk call to the STBX.)

I haven't witnessed a lot of WS bashing. I've seen a lot of WS behavior bashing. And I think KC this is another area of self-improvement you can make. Separating the PERSON from the BEHAVIOR. None of us know your STBXH well enough to BASH him. But we certainly could see how he was treating you, the behavior he was choosing to engage in, and bash that behavior. I think our society takes chastisement of behavior way too personally! One of the things that is in our power to do is change our behavior. So harping on behavior doesn't have to mean harping on the individual.

MWD does leave it up to the LBS to decide if they want to take a cheater back or not. But MWD also never faults a LBS that chooses D over taking a cheater back if that is a deal-breaker for that LBS. However, what MWD is unequivocal on is that you CANNOT save a MR when one spouse IS ACTIVELY CHEATING!!! This board has always reflected that. No one on this board is against taking a cheater back that acknowledges their affair, is remorseful of it, is willing to abide by the LBS' requirements for returning to the MR, and is ready to work on that MR. But this board has always maintained, like MWD, that is impossible to work on a MR when the WAS/WS is actively engaging in the affair.

KC, I think your thread title has always been your problem. You do not want a D. Your H was abusive. Emotionally and physically. He not only cheated on you and but left you for the OW and moved in with her, presumably ready to marry her once your D is final. He also treated your son pretty badly. You even started dating and sleeping with other people, one guy that you fell pretty hard for. Yet you still maintain that you do not want a D! You never could get to the point where you were DBing to move forward with your life WITH OR WITHOUT your STBXH. It was always about trying to get him to come back. Maybe we were heavy-handed with you at times. Maybe we were too hard on your STBXH, I am sure he has his reasons for what he did (the abuse ASIDE, I will never excuse that!!). But it was always in effort to try to get you to wake up and face your reality.

I have continued to pray for you KC. I will continue to do so. Sorry for the novel. But your posts have been thought-provoking.