WAW Hired a Divorce Coach (Cont8.)

[SteveLW]

I tend to agree with C-Dub and LH, emotionally abuse is very broad and the definition of what constitutes is much looser than many of us would like to admit (which used to include me). I think that given that physical abuse is so easily defined (and insidious) we don't want to associate ourselves with it by being labelled as emotionally abusive. I have given silent treatment, been passive aggressive and been manipulative before, I own that, however I have never and would never lay a hand on a partner/child or anyone for that matter, I abhor violence. My point is, I am pretty sure we have all done these emotionally abusive deeds, whatever the label, they hurt our loved ones. As LH said, the key is to learn no to continue doing these things, and the first step is to accept that we have done them and that they hurt people. I am so grateful I can recognise my previous shortcomings so that I can work on removing these flaws from my personality. Whether STBXW does is her own business, but unlikely as is the case for most WAS/WS.

FTR, I do not disagree with this either. Though one man's emotional abuse may not be another. I think the term "abuse" gets thrown around way to easily these days. Not every disagreement between spouses involves "emotional abuse", though many after the R disintegrates make that claim. But yes, we can all do better in our interactions in our MRs, no question about it. In my own sitch, during MC, the MC pointed out that because my wife's LL was words of affirmation, that criticism was a double whammy for her. It was eye-opening. Nothing I was saying was untrue, but the affect on her was profound. I stop short of saying I was verbally abusive, but from her perspective she would certainly have said I was.

Funny, my W and I just had this conversation because there are some family issues that have come up with a recent family member's passing in her family. She said: "It is kind of like what you and I have discussed before. If you have a good R with someone than saying certain things certain ways is ok. But when the R is a bad one, you micro-focus on every thing that could be taken as negative." (Literally just came out of her mouth Tuesday night discussing the family issues.)

tldr;

Scott, you could certainly get introspective about your STBXW's accusations to see if there is room for improvement in the future.