WAW Hired a Divorce Coach (Cont8.)

[BL42]

ScottB,

Then over the next couple of days she continued to annoy me with texts...she continued to tell me how she could help me and how she could make me happy. I told her I needed time and the reality is I ended up confusing myself - which is where I am now.

Sounds like the opposite of us (LBS) and our WAS at BD. Interesting insight into the other side's perspective.

BL42: The process is brutal because its constant. You can be having a good day and then you get an email or call from one of the attorneys. I hate it. I just can’t wait until its over.

Indeed. It's an awful, soul-draining process. Hang in there!

I've got a fishing trip coming up the weekend of June 11th, which I'm looking forward to. I am also hosting a party for July 4th which is going to be awesome. I'm hoping to get a significant enough crowd that I can get a keg.
Nothing says good party like a keg of beer in my opinion, haha.

Sounds awesome! Enjoy!

Divorce wise, everything is in her court so I'm not sure what their counter offer will look like or if they will just accept the offer we made.

Waiting, not knowing when you'll hear back, and then out of the blue getting an email refuting items on which you were being completely reasonable and might be settled can be jarring. The process is awful. Brace yourself.

My son has baseball nearly every other night so I've always got something going on, so a night or two to myself is actually kind of nice and they go fast.

Kids sports are the best. Consider volunteering as coach - I've thoroughly enjoyed it and it's helped me bond with my son!

I'd say overall everything is going well. I still feel a deep sadness and I recognize that I miss the family I had, not her so much - but I assume time will help process that.

Yep. I understand that completely.

Life is off the charts busy, and not in a good way. I've been on the run since Thursday night.
Work dinner, led to an early breakfast, which led to five insanely busy days with the kids. Its good stuff but I've had no time for myself, I've missed a couple of workouts, struggling to find time to mow the lawn, get to the grocery, and get the sleep I want.

Today I asked my parents for help so they're running the kids to the two camps they have so I can work. This summer I'm taking half days on the Monday's I have the kids and the 5 fridays I have them I'm just taking those off.
...
Hopefully I can find time to relax on those trips or this next week - I'm running myself into the ground a bit.

I'm struggling here as well. I've been making my kids such the priority that sometimes it feels like I don't have any time to breath or to decompress myself. We're the rocks for our kids, which is wonderful, but as they say on the planes..."put your oxygen mask on first, before helping others".

I continue to hear this and that from my brother in law. My ex is telling her family how abusive I was emotionally, which is freaking insanely absurd and hurts - but I need to focus on the things I can control, and she isn't one of them. Also, I'll rarely see those people - I just hope this doesn't trickle down to my kids and it wouldn't surprise me at all if her mom said something when they are around on purpose. Again, out of my control.

You'd have to be pretty awful to justify everything she's doing...wouldn't you. I don't know your situation as well as mine, obviously, but I'm aware of all sorts of things my Ex-W is telling friends and family about what an awful guy I am. And I'm not. I wasn't perfect and there are certainly things I need to work on, but I'm confident it's more her trying to justify her actions than the other way around. Just work on yourself and be the best you can be and be confident in that. Try not to worry about what others are saying/thinking (it can be hard, I know).

Here is the thing Scotty B, I can promise you she is not lying and you were at some point emotionally abusive in the 20 years together. Did you know the silent treatment, being passive aggressive, gas lighting is being emotionally abusive?

Me either I thought it was normal. Saw my dad do it to my mom all the time. I’m not making excuses but us LBS we’re doing the best we could with the life experiences we had at the time. If you continue you this behavior in your next relationship then that’s on you. Scotty B you have read more books and have more coaches then anyone I know.

LH19 - Not sure I completely agree here. There is a difference between abusive and areas to work on, or at least degrees. No one's perfect, but is everyone necessarily abusive? Think the point is ScottyB's W might be exaggerating (or lying) to justify her actions to her friends and family and put herself in a better light.

Right now your stbxw is going to remember all the bad things you did to justify leaving the marriage. Sounds like on paper she had a really good thing going so she is going to have to justify it even more.

This will change in time. Eventually she will remember the good more then the bad. That’s how our brains are hardwired.

I know there is going to be a time we I have to own up to my kids that I should have treated there mother better. I should have validated her feelings better and respected her opinion more. But I also am going to let them know that I never gave up on us as a family and did everything in my power to keep us together. That I feel really good about.

LH19 - It'll be interesting to see this transpire. To your points in my thread, it likely will take a very long time. Definitely agree it's good to be able to tell your kids you did your best to fix the marriage and keep your family together.