Nuther,
I'm sorry to hear about your separation from your H. You may want to read my post to Optimist about my general summary regarding coping with a separation. It's general wisdom that is espoused on this board--detachment to manage reactivity to negativity of the WAS, and self-care to take advantage of the opportunity of freedom that a separation provides for personal development.

I had to survive the "dark night of the soul" for the first five months. Daphne Kingma's book "Coming Apart" provided me direction and some clarity on what I was going thru. She identified the stages I was going thru, even though it didn't take away the pain--disbelief, self-blame, blaming the spouse, desperate negotiations, and repossession of the self. Her self-care tips were maintain your habits, rekindle old friendships, cultivate new connections, and be patient with the emotional process. This was my blueprint.

I continued my reading habits of a daily newspaper, weekly current events magazine, and a book on religion, or of professional interest. I continued my habit of exercising at least four times per week. I set goals of attending one social outing and one religious/spiritual service per week.


I experimented by attending two support groups for S/D persons. I attended two different groups to learn meditation and cultivated a growing interest in Buddhism. I joined a weekly movie group. I "dusted-off" my tennis game by playing weekly until I pulled a calf muscle. I also joined a weekly discussion group to rekindle my relationship with my church of 12 years. From these groups, I continue with the discussion group, and a meditation group.

I began having weekly phone conversations with my WAS with the intent of maintaining a friendship, but expecting us to move towards D. I contacted an attorney to put some structure around the dissolution process, and to help put some momentum on the separation process.

She came home to visit and assist me with a medical procedure. I continued to be cordial to her, out of strategy since the separation agreement had not yet been signed, and out of my own desire to do no harm to her or the relationship.

We had a great time during her visit! Our friendship has always been a strength during the M. She ended-up staying for six weeks! She announced during the visit, that she did not want a D! When she left to return to Florida, she called to say how much she missed me. She's now mailing boxes of clothes back to Ohio, and will be returning soon.

I think it's about detachment, self-care, and integrity. If the LBS can work towards these, than you increase the likelihood that a WAS will miss you. If they don't miss you, you're still a better person for having invested in yourself, you won't be overly invested in whether or not they want to reconcile, and you'll be moving towards what Kingma calls the "snap" of your emotional investment towards your WAS.

How are you doing during your separation?

Concerned_Listener

CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching