Gerda—how lucky that I can benefit from your procrastination! I do recognize the uselessness in trying to communicate in your script. I can see where you and D really both start with figuring out the bottom line. I think the fuzziness I feel around that is contributing to my anxiety. I need to estimate pension and support and know what default settlement would be. I know what he makes now, and I know how that will increase if he stays in the same position. I’m not sure what variables to use to estimate the pension bottom line. I know the future value is more important. I know there is the COLA benefit that goes with that. I don’t know whether to estimate a range based on current salary, estimated salary in 10 years, at retirement (60 or 65 as a baseline?), etc. And then I don’t know what variable to use to estimate then how long he/I would be receiving pension payouts. Along the same lines, initially my L said spousal support would be calculated at ~1000/year: he makes around 25k more.
Should I have my L help me with this or can I estimate on my own? I do get overwhelmed with all of this— not quite knowing how to determine my bottom line, and I know it would empower me to have clarity. I think I could quiet some of my anxiety with that clarity. Right now my L is standing by as nothing had happened after I filed my response.
Scout, I missed your question before! It is a good question. I know of two reasons: 1. Because I don’t want him to think badly of me. (Irrational, and I realize it’s not my job to convince him of my intentions, that he’s going to hold a number of things against me no matter what, and that this feeling should no way play into the business part of this. Still, it is strong and I have to remember to be aware that it exists so that it doesn’t affect my decision making.) 2. I am afraid it will drag this process out even more. It’s been two years (even though he didn’t file until 1 1/2 years in), and as much as I am comfortable with the periods of time when things are calm and friendly, I’m reminded he’s not my friend right now and is can only think of himself. I need to get out of this situation for my health. So there’s the emotional component of it potentially dragging out and the financial component that goes along with that that I’m afraid of.
There is also the need to remember not to solve problems en route. I need a guide that says do this next little step; wait. I did try to take the weekend off from thinking about all of it. I’ve been eating strawberry shortcake, shortcakes made from a new recipe with a bit of cornmeal—finally a shortcake I enjoy! I gathered a bouquet of flowers from the garden for a neighbor. I wrote a note to a friend.
