Fierce compassion, equanimity, integrity #2

[Rita]

Look at that. Gerda and I were posting at the same time. And me utilizing her as an example as she herself did.

DnJ often share a lane! And in the end we pretty much agree on most things but I have shifted my thinking a lot in the area of silence and boundaries.

I no longer think it is a good idea to give any air time whatsoever to the MLCer when s/he is not on the way back to you. I have spent 8 years studying this in my own life, and almost as many reading stories here. I have never seen this method "work" to do anything except twist the LBS back into fourteen pretzels and potentially end up negotiating against him/herself. Consider our friend Grace. She did start listening when her H was testing the waters to come back, and it worked out. But she didn't really listen to the nonsense when he was secreting their savings away to buy a condo with the OW. She kept firm to building a life for herself and insisting on a default sort of 50-50 split. When he began testing the waters, she was still firm but she listened enough for him to feel safe to keep thinking about returning.

I thought my H was returning several times, and I was open then and led down a path of hope that never materialized. That wasn't a waste. At least I know I did all I could. But I was also open when he spewed and abused me. That not only did not work to help him come back, it also allowed my children to witness bona fide abuse and led to a level of PTSD that I have only partially revealed here. I used to spend a hour a day crying on the floor of my church and every evening hiding in my room or going out to work at a cafe from 10 pm to 1 am to avoid being in the house, not knowing if my kids would wake up and find drunk H passed out on the couch.

I say all this pedagogically. Learn from me.

Do not listen to a word he says. Do not have conversations about the D. Do not negotiate with him verbally. Do not let him look at you when you negotiate. Figure out your bottom line, and then send him, in writing an offer that doesn't go as far as your bottom line so that it might seem like his idea when he offers your bottom line. Do not think of this as having anything to do with your marriage, your goodness as a wife/mother/woman/human. This is pure pragmatism, it is about efficiency, to get through the D as quickly as possible. You can cry and rage and spiral on all those other things you have been telling us here, but do that separately and without any chance of H knowing about it. Do not show him your heart. He doesn't want it and he can't see it. He also is not worthy of it. Your heart has no place in this money talk. When you brush your teeth, you follow a certain protocol and you get your teeth clean. You don't think about the trauma you had at the dentist or how you have been the best or worst toothbrusher or why you didn't ever get your H the right toothbrush. This is how clear you must be about money stuff. The money stuff is not about love. Or, rather, it is, but you can't see it that way or you will find yourself stuck in this tar pit for three going on four years like poor Gerda. Spend a lot of time punching things and screaming in a padded room, do whatever you want, but not when you draft notices to H. Do not let him know anything about how you feel. If he ever seems to be coming out this, you will know. You can reveal bits and pieces then. Not now.

Here is my revision of what would really happen if you tried that dialogue D suggested, at least with my H.

Me: I still feel strongly about my share of your pension.

H: Yes, that's exactly why I would never be with you. Because you are so grasping, so focused on your domestic needs. I worked my a-- off for that, and you did nothing. I sweated blood while you took the kids to the park.

Me: I'm sorry you feel that way.

<silence>

H: You think you are going to take everything from me while I destroy myself? You can forget it. Look at this place.

Me: (starting to panic, throat tightening but desperate to work out a deal) Ok, let’s say I leave your pension alone. What do you propose?

H: I don't care what you do. That's your problem. I am starting a life that is authentic and true. I know what's mine and you will hear from my lawyer. And stop emasculating me in front of my children. They will finally know what it means to be a man, they will not see me through your eyes anymore.

<small pause>

Me: I am trying to work this out.

H: You don't even know how to work out how to clean this house.

Me: I am not going to sit here for this. I didn't do anything to you. I have waited for you and tried to do everything for this family.

H: You don't even know how to love. You don't even know what that means. Why don't you ask your God what it takes to love? I'm not talking about this. I am not talking with you. Get away from me.

Etc.

That was actually a tame version.

This is what I would send via e-mail --

Hi, H.

I'd love to settle this situation without mediation or lawyers. It's not working to talk about it, so I'm sending along this e-mail.

Looks like in (our state) I would be awarded $9000 a year from your pension and probably around $10,000 a year of alimony for the next ten years. That would end up as somewhere in between $100,000 and $200,000 all told. It would be a little more if you kept working.

You are owed $4000 from our savings and your half of the car would be another $5000, so that brings us down to $90,000 to $190,000 all told from pension and alimony.

We could do a lump sum payment now of $110,000 and each save at least 20K on lawyers and not have to go through the hell of divorce court. I would be okay with half when we sign the agreement and the other half when we go to sign the actual divorce decree.

If this can work with you, or you want to modify it, send your proposal via e-mail.

If not, we could try mediation with one of these two mediators that were recommended by the (local law school). If you have a mediator, I'd be glad to try that person too, just send along the contact info.

- Cardinal

If he refuses either of these ideas, you can wait til you hear from his lawyer or you can hire a lawyer and if he writes to you, just reply, "I'm sorry we couldn't work it out and am still open to the proposal I sent or to hearing your modification of that proposal. Otherwise here's my L's contact info. Thanks."

I had so much work to do that I don't want to do tonight. So that's why I just took way too much time writing this!

XO