Fierce compassion, equanimity, integrity #2

[DnJ]

Hello cardinal

I do understand how hard and emotional it is to talk with H. The breaking of trust. His demanding of an annulment. And so on and so on. (((Hug)))

Should I email him the formula Gerda mentioned and say I want to make sure we are in the same page with how it would be calculated, that I wouldn’t be getting half of his pension (and he could ask his L about that as well).

No.

A person in crisis is irrational and has the attention span of a gnat. That formula will surely confuse him and push him away. This all requires different tactics than that of dealing with a rational person. (Like how you understand and seek the formula. Rational and logical. H ain’t there.)

Let it be for awhile. Remember time and space. Let H start it up again. Even if it is just some half ways kind of thing, you can gently steer him towards discussion of his feelings regarding his pension. (Notice his feelings, his pension. His path and view is all about him, speak that way when discussing to keep him engaged and talking. Which you did in the quote above. Well done.)

I have a hard time imagining H offering anything fair as he doesn’t have access to money to pay me an upfront sum, and we don’t own a house or have any other assets that would offset this.

Something from my profession - do not solve problem on route. Wait until you get there are then start solving them.

You are writing off the possibility of H raising monies or getting a loan. Consider Gerda’s H, he has a financial backer/moneyman for all his crazy schemes. Of course had he utilized that money towards a solution instead of fighting good hearted Gerda, her story would so much better. Of course he is in MLC and sometimes things go very much against you. Anyhow, point is, if your H sees this as something he really wants, he probably will find a way. They have already blown up their life in search of their happiness, finding a few bucks is small potatoes after such a feat. (Depending on just how big a pile you are talking about.)

I think IC would say I should go to mediation or let L handle it and to stop talking with him about specifics. Once again, I feel like I don’t know the best way forward. I fear somehow messing up my L negotiating approach by trying to talk with H on my own. But if I can manage to just get him to propose something and I just listen? Keep in mind I’m still waiting for him to change annulment to D filing and he’s never filled out all the disclosure forms. I just have a couple of account statements from his L. I am again in a place where I’m afraid to trust him to engage in a discussion with me.

You are doing fine.

Don’t fret. At anytime you can just walk away and turn everything over to a lawyer. Remember, you are not signing anything. Just talking, which is mostly listening.

You are correct with something else I’d like to point out. H’s actions and his words. He says divorce and not annulment, yet his actions have not followed through. You wisely see that. Perhaps, you can bring that up next time. “H, that needs to be addressed first. Then we can address the pension and other things.” Something like that, you don’t want that falling through the cracks or off the radar.

Negotiating, taking, getting a MLCer to do something reasonable, is like herding cats. Takes a lot of patience and some luck. And as much success you’d have telling a herd of cats what to do, you’d have telling H. H/cats need to feel he wants to.

Be patient. No one ever got divorce in a day. Even mine took 60 days, and I had a highly driven crazy wife pushing for it. She even wanted to plead guilt to adultery to get it all over fast.

Ensure you have sought legal advice about your rights and entitlements. Like the calculated pension amount, that is all information that helps you decided what cardinal wants. What you are willing to do. What is rock solid important and what is easier to let go of, if negotiating or mediation shows promise.

Some advice for right now, today. Enjoy the weekend. Unless H brings this up don’t give it space in your mind for the next two days.

Tell me of your weather. How green the grass is. Where you went for a walk. I am interested in your life, just so you know.

Take care.

D