Thank you, D. I see where I could have listened a lot more and maybe I would have learned more from H. It’s hard when I am so rusty talking to him about anything of significance. I’m also very on edge as I realize how he’s manipulating me, even if not consciously, especially because he has spent so long telling me I don’t deserve anything. I need to realize I can also stand up for myself through silence. Through hearing and considering his proposals, thinking about them, and then, perhaps, not accepting them. I have a hard time imagining H offering anything fair as he doesn’t have access to money to pay me an upfront sum, and we don’t own a house or have any other assets that would offset this. But I know he does want to feel heard.
Should I email him the formula Gerda mentioned and say I want to make sure we are in the same page with how it would be calculated, that I wouldn’t be getting half of his pension (and he could ask his L about that as well). If we talk again I could acknowledge his viewpoint and ask what he would propose as alternatives, to just listen and have him lay it out (I don’t know if he’s really thought it through.) I could not respond even if there’s no way I would accept. I could just say I will think about what he’s laid out.
I think IC would say I should go to mediation or let L handle it and to stop talking with him about specifics. Once again, I feel like I don’t know the best way forward. I fear somehow messing up my L negotiating approach by trying to talk with H on my own. But if I can manage to just get him to propose something and I just listen? Keep in mind I’m still waiting for him to change annulment to D filing and he’s never filled out all the disclosure forms. I just have a couple of account statements from his L. I am again in a place where I’m afraid to trust him to engage in a discussion with me.
