STOP TALKING TO HIM. He isn't in there. STOP. I disagree with KML in a way -- yes, he knows how to push your buttons. But you are also lifting your shirt and saying, "HERE ARE THE BUTTONS, PLEASE PRESS THEM."
You are so right! I was realizing again the pattern of feeling like I'm in a fog during our convo, then feeling so lost, confused, and also guilty. The same thing would happen during arguments in the later part of our M, when I recognize now he would blame shift, explaining his anger was because I needed to do X or Y differently, or always just ending with we can't communicate because I don't understand him. So I googled again and came across an article on a psychology site about emotional blackmail and a book written about it too (ordered). OMG--recognition! I might say more about this later (I can't post the article, right?). But I don't think H is a sociopath or a narcissist or is manipulating me on purpose; he simply has never had the tools to express his needs or understand his emotions or communicate them, and since BD, it is worse. Anyway, so yeah, I realized, wow, I'm showing him again how susceptible I am to being guilted, how much I care what he thinks of me, etc. I know I have a tendency to just give in and give him what he wants to get out of this and because I think I can make him see me for who I am again. I need to learn non-defensive communication and how to stand my ground, stat. No more trying to justify what I am asking for.
KML (so sorry the system lost your long reply, but thank you for writing!) and Gerda, a financial advisor I talked to in the past urged me to never give up the pension. He said he sees this in women, particularly stay-at-home women, all the time, and said to call him at any time and he would talk me down from that ledge. This was from someone who accepted no money from me, has worked with people through D, and understood exactly what I was going through. That has stuck with me.
There's not a ton of debt. I do have that number. It's not a huge amount. 4 figures. Even if technically it is not all half mine (I'm not interested in spending money to discover that), I could pay my half with all of what is owed to me from our savings, clean slate there. Pension: Let's say we were M 10 years and he has worked 14 years so far, and can work 20+ more. I believe he will never leave this job that he has always complained about. The pension payments are based on the highest two years of the income over your entire career. Right now, 62k. COLA too I think.
If there is another way to think about this negotiating point and I should be considering other things, I would love to hear it. I can only think of trading alimony, which would be not a ton, for pension. I don't know how he would pay me an up-front sum. He doesn't have access to that kind of money.
