Fierce compassion, equanimity, integrity #2

[Rita]

Cardinal, a quick question and I will write more later --

First of all -- I could have written that entire passage you wrote about the jokes and the feeling that he might come back and then the calm and the D talk and many of the things you thought/felt, even the pet names.

Let that be a warning to you.

STOP TALKING TO HIM. He isn't in there. STOP. I disagree with KML in a way -- yes, he knows how to push your buttons. But you are also lifting your shirt and saying, "HERE ARE THE BUTTONS, PLEASE PRESS THEM."

And more on that later, but my question is -- How much will you get from the pension? Stop thinking about what is yours and what you deserve. You don't deserve to have your H turn into a dirtbag robot, but you are getting what you don't deserve there too, to say it with a double negative!

Let's say you calculate that the pension share is going to bring you an extra 100K in your lifetime. Is there some other area where you can make that up?

Or -- take a deep breath -- can you survive and thrive without it?

I am not saying you should not get a L and go for the default 50-50 split of everything -- and in fact, his earning all those years while you worked on your writing will only mean he has to pay you more alimony plus the pension!

But I'm just saying that you should sit down and crunch a whole bunch of numbers, just for yourself, just to know what it would look like to get everything you want and what it would look like to agree to his crap deal. Not to do it, just to look honestly at the numbers. Tell us what those are and then we can pragmatically figure out your bottom line. And then you can try to go to mediation. Let him pick the mediator or let him do whatever you can that is bearable to make him feel like he is in control. Not because it's what's best for you, but because you want to look for the quickest way out and it's quite obvious from what you have written and from all we know of MLC that he wants to feel like he is in control (even though we also all know he isn't!).

Remember, if you don't believe me, just read my threads. I could have written what you wrote -- that means that in a few years from now, you could write what I wrote if you don't learn from my mistakes. And the biggest mistake you can make is listening to a word they say. Just figure out what you can get and what you want to get, and start from there. Cut this H out of your mind and grieve the one you used to know. If he was real, he'll eventually know all the things you are lying there crying about. And if he was never a good man to begin with and it was all some weird NPD act, he'll never know anyway.

But we know. ((((( Cardinal )))))))

Come over for a cuppa tea. We can hash it out some more. : )