Fierce compassion, equanimity, integrity #2

[DnJ]

Hello cardinal

(((Hugs)))

It is clear H is in an emotional crisis. His behaviour of trying to convince you and himself that he is all better is so following the script. Along with all his blaming and threatening to never forgive you if you take what you are entitled to. And all the past stuff and how true partners would have known what each other was thinking. Lol. (Old DnJ is a pretty darn empathic guy and I still cannot read minds.)

Pay H’s ramblings no heed.

It is good that H has admitted and recognizes divorce and not pushing for annulment. By the way, that idea of forced annulment was some weird stuff from him. Makes me think it is some kind of manifestation of his torment and pain.

He said he wishes it wasn't this way, but he'll always hold it against me if I don't let him have what he earned.

DO NOT FALL FOR THIS.

You know better. I know you do.

His attitude is so like an emotional crisis person. Negative and permanent. I’ll never ever feel... It will always be bad... and so on and so on.

You are entitled to, and need financial protection. Do not back down!

I get how bad this all feels. Back to the days of bomb drop.

My XW and I had cute nicknames too. I’d love to hear mine again. I’d love to be hugged again. Coming up on four years soon. And I have those memories of the last time such and such happened, and I didn’t know at the time that was going to be the last time. I was unrecognized and then completely ignored; like I’m dead. It’s a heck of a way for XW and me, our life together to end.

Cry it out my friend. Let it out. And let it go. H is having a mid life crisis, which has nothing to do with you.

By the way, I’d place money on your dentist having been closely involved with someone’s MLC. Maybe even her spouse. People have no idea about this stuff until they have experienced it. She gave advice becoming of a person of experience and knowledge not a person with the Hollywood version of MLC preconceived ideas.

The last six months have been peaceful between H and me--no more barely contained anger radiating from him. We joke, I have complicated feelings about it that I don’t share with him, and that's been the extent of it. Then last night H asked if we could talk about next steps.

So, did you expect his next steps to be about reconciling or divorcing? (Careful with the trick expectations question)

The last time we'd talked about D, six months ago, was when he raged and then acknowledged he shouldn't have filed for an annulment and was just angry, etc. Well, this time he stayed mostly calm. He started by apologizing for his anger again and for the annulment filing and said he will change it to a D. He said he knows I'd wanted to do mediation and we have L (though he hasn't checked in with his since last year), but maybe we could try now that he's in a better place to talk through an agreement ourselves.

So far, so good.

I said maybe we could outline issues and then go from there if we need outside help. I was curious if his stance (basically that I deserve nothing) had changed. I let him know I still felt strongly about the portion of his pension I am entitled to, and he said that is the one thing he feels strongly about too, because he worked for it, it should be his.

Wonder what he would have said to a response of: What do you suggest H?

I do suspect he would have gotten around to the issue of pension and all that followed. H knows, and knew your stance. He is looking for justification of how he feels. Back off. No more emotional conversations regarding divorce. It is a business matter. Keep it such.

He said he wishes it wasn't this way, but he'll always hold it against me if I don't let him have what he earned. We can go to mediation, and I'll get it all and he'll get nothing because that's how it works. (He seemed to recognize the court would follow suit with the pension too--his only hope is if I give it up.)

And this led to us basically hitting all the same old points. I'm cold if I just say the law entitles me to it, period, and that’s just how D goes. Why can’t I understand how he feels? If I say instead we had a partnership, that's what a M is, and everything we both earned was shared, then it's that we didn't have a true partnership, he supported me but I didn't support him in the same way.

I’m sorry you feel that way H.

Next time. Businesslike. No need to rehash this conversation again with H. If he wants a divorce then he needs to face and discuss the reality of it. Blaming, projecting, and justifying is not needed. Place a boundary on that stuff.

You are on two paths. The emotional healing path towards wholeness and healthy and a great life. You are also on the business path of financial security and protection, which also leads into your great life. Two separate paths which eventually converge. These do require different tactics and responses. Mental assertiveness. Sword and shield my dear girl.

H did agree to share his pension info with you. And this conversation seemed to end on a somewhat calm note. Please, cut yourself some slack, you did not do everything wrong. There are no guarantees or rules to cover all scenarios. Perhaps H let off some of his built up pressure and will be more forth coming and better because of this.

My belief and opinion is you will be better for this conversation and the breaking down. You needed to get it out of your system. And you did prompt H for just that by prodding with the pension item. A fully needed to be discussed item by the way, and one you know would most likely get him “talking”. Perfectly reasonable to be curious where H is at.

An other hug my friend. (((Hug))) You deserve it. The path of the LBS at times ain’t no walk in the park. You are doing really well. Seriously.

D