WAW willing to try, for now (#2)

[SteveLW]

Yeah, I appreciated the back and forth from a lot of experienced DBers. A lot of good thoughts even though not everyone was in agreement.

Good to hear. I worry about when debates like that break out in poster's threads that it isn't really helping the poster. While we are all here to espouse MWD's methods, each of our unique experiences colors our perspective. It is always a good tactic, I believe, to go back to a poster's own threads to determine why they may see something differently than someone else. I know there are posters here whom, due to the advice they give, I go read their own sitch and try to empathize with what they went through and why they advise the way that they do. Often times in these types of debates, neither side can see the other's and that sometimes let's it get more contentious than it otherwise might. So I am glad you found value in it!

You are right, we were basically done, the separation agreement was done, we were both going to have a final attorney review and then file. We had an appointment with a realtor to list the house, I had an appointment to look at new places to live...this was a last minute change. She is certainly not attempting to date right now but I am not really clear what her thoughts are about anything and there aren't really any actions I can see. So she said she is back in, but that's about it.

mako, by BD the WAS is usually basically done. This is one thing that LBSs struggle with. They think the situation started on BD, because that is when it started for them. It is pretty well documented that most WAS have been noodling on the idea of blowing things up for up to 2 years before BD! I understand that your sitch, post BD, had moved on towards separation and D becoming a reality, but she had likely been on that journey for a very longtime prior to BD. The point I am making is that if it took her that long to get to that point, it could take equally long to come back the other direction. WASs tend to be more like ships than zero-turn mowers. Rarely do they turn away from their "I want a D!" pronouncement quickly. My sitch had a relatively fast turnaround, but it was till months, not days for it to happen.

So yeah, I am in limbo, either until she decides what she wants to do or until I decide I'm tired of waiting. Limbo is good in some ways, bad in some ways. Like you said it stops the bleeding, stops the race toward D, and gives us some time to see if this is going to work. I am interested in this working out if all possible, there are a number of advantages to not divorcing that really have nothing to do with her personally. My family stays together, I don't have to split time with my kids, I don't have to move, I don't lose a huge percentage of my savings, I don't have $2000+ monthly child support for the next 14 years. And you know, I married her for a reason, I like her, we get along, I like spending time with her. At the same time limbo isn't really positive, it's just neutral and I don't want to stay here forever, so if she isn't going to take some steps to improve things then that tells me she isn't serious about this, and that causes me to like her less, and it simply isn't going to work.

I like the attitude here. It shows that you have the patience to give her the time to work out her own stuff. I think you put a "1 year past BD" drop-dead date on your sitch previously, and I applaud that. I think it is important for the LBS to have an end goal in mind. I'd say 1 year past BD is the minimum a LBS should give it, but it is up to the individual LBS to decide how long they should wait. I agree that you should be looking for actions on her part that shows she is working on improvements, but remember, her saying she was back was a very early initial step. Remember, ship! At that point she started to turn the ship around (maybe), you have to give it the time it will need for her to complete that turnaround. In the meantime, you know what you need to do: DB!

We are here to support, mako!