I’m sorry your D12 has been experiencing this pain, but glad that she can see that her dad is mentally ill. It’s surprising that others around him cannot see it. Narcissists and sociopaths can be very good at charming people though.
As for the cooks - this pandemic has wreaked havoc on the industry, they may be desperate for work. I wouldn’t judge them too harshly. Your ex’s backer may be offering them money they can’t refuse.
I have one son (of three, all young adults) who hasn’t spoken to his dad in almost three years. Although I don’t think it’s a good thing to be estranged in general, as I think that’s a weight of its own to carry. But in his case I couldn’t argue with his reasons for cutting off contact. On Mother’s Day recently all three discussed their father’s personality issues and how it has affected them.
The hard part here is, that if you do the work of giving D12 the context for why she feels like “punching herself” around him, you might be at risk for being blamed for parental alienation. (Which can be a real thing but is often misused by manipulative fathers in cases like this). So it might be good to find an individual therapist for her who can help her sort this out. And/or, if her father is an alcoholic as you seem to imply, an Alanon group for children of alcoholics might benefit her. I’m glad she’s seeming happier without the stress of seeing him right now.
