WAW Hired a Divorce Coach (Cont8.)

[SteveLW]

Scotty, it does come across narcissistic when you are concerned about others thinking you are a jerk.

The only person who needs to think you are not a jerk is YOU

As usual, Ginger is dead on with this. Headshot!

I called her, she accused me of being an unfeeling narcissist and she questioned my integrity in the relationship. She said I obviously didn't have the feelings I said I had or I wouldn't have just let go. I explained my perspective and said that I wasn't interested in being talked down to with contempt, that I was not interested in passive aggressive tactics and criticism and that I wanted someone that understood how to validate my feelings as opposed to playing devils advocate or telling me why I was wrong.

I think the antics from the previous week were actually a way for her to reposition things so that she would have the upper hand

I do need to continue to work on validation and at some point I’ll reread the book “The Art of Listenning”. I put the Brene Brown book in my amazon shopping cart to consider in the future.

Scotty, two signs this is not a good fit for you, the huge drama so soon (who needs that) and you ascribing sinister motives to her actions (low goodwill). I like that you mention looking into empathy again. I can almost guarantee she wasn’t thinking, “Hahaha! I will get the upper hand this way.” unless you were a terrible judge of character getting into this relationship. Whatever you decide, try to be curious about where others are coming from, and when they call you upset, try to practice validation and/or active listening to hear them out before explaining your perspective. Unless they’re abusive or you’re certain the relationship is a no-go. Then hang up. No need to explain anything then. My read is she’s higher drama than usual, but you may be inserting some drama into the situation yourself.

Good observations by CW! I do want to poke on one thing you touched on:

"I can almost guarantee she wasn’t thinking, “Hahaha! I will get the upper hand this way.” unless you were a terrible judge of character getting into this relationship."

Based on Scott's admission to being a bad judge of character with his STBXW, I think there is a chance he is right aobut this. Another reason NOT to date this soon. Broken attracts broken.

Scott, when will you know you are not broken anymore? When you can be happy and fulfilled alone without a SO in your life for a very good amount of time: 6 months minimum....2 years better.

I didn't do a lot right in my pre-married days, but one of the things I did outstandingly well was know my own worth. I was happy to be alone and unattached rather than be unhappy and attached to the wrong person. The pre-marriage Steven would have seen all this drama as a huge neon sign saying EXIT STAGE LEFT. Now admittedly I didn't always exit the stage in the appropriate manner (my NGS had me go camouflaged and ghost the poor girl!) But at least I was secure enough in myself to end it before it could get worse. (My long term, on again, off again exGF being the one HUGE exception.....and that is one of my biggest regrets in life!)