Cwarrior I can garuntee that if I said I been alone with nobody and everything final with the ex for 3-6 months, still there would be people that will tell me (thats not long enough, you need years.. etc.. the trauma is so deep.. etc etc.). Just like how my PTSD therapist expected me to have this horrible issue for all the stuff I have endured but I do not. I accepted it as part of my job and reality, I miss my friends and I regret some of the lives ive taken because it was a person after all, but what happened I cannot change and I never did anything personally to compromise my integrity.
It will take me YEARS to be absolutely okay, used to the changes and truly accept that this part of my life is over completely to where it becomes normal. I know that. But I also know my wife had been cheating and dumping me over and over for years. Which is why I am resolute here. Regardless if it doesnt work out with this girl my wife will never be a healthy option, and after all she has done to me it would be rather pathetic to return to someone with such little respect and regard for me as a man. My NGS, lack of self-esteem and toxic co-dependancy was so bad for so long I do not see fixing this ever. Yes I would love to remain a nuclear family, but I feel so much damage was done for so long a period between one another and I can face my music and learn from my mistakes, but I cannot fix a lack of morality in a 33 year old woman. She will always ne narcissitic, that will not change, and I cannot go back and un-do what I have done.
I realize you all think I am the same steve that has sat here and been torn up for ages over this. In a few small ways I am sure. But I want a relationship in my future where I dont have that NGS, that I go into it with self-respect, honestly, patiently. I will watch for red flags and adress them boldly, not tolerate any mistreatment unless I genuinely deserve it and then communicate effictively about it. I cannot help that I had repeated my mistakes for 11 years with this woman, I was so manipulated I couldnt even stand on my own feet as a man. I will not let my son see me go down like a b***h in front of his mother or return to that type of life.
The reason I am even seeing this other woman is because she is vetted by family members as a healthy person that does not get around, that has a career, that enjoys children and has a good head on her shoulders, a good family, and is an absolutely great communicator. She is not materialistic, she saved up her own money living alone to put herself through school. I am 1000% certain that as time goes on there will be some issue, nobody is perfect. But when she presented herself into my life without even looking for her and we got along effortlessly it was mirroring things that a healthy relationship is supposed to look like. No expectations, team work, laughter, things are fun and light, honesty and trust. And to me I would have been an idot to not give a woman like that a shot who was interested, especially me being 36 with two kids and her with none and just turning 31. I know there is a HIGH probability that this will not work out. A lot of relationships post-marriage or long term relationships do not. Her and I have discussed it, we have talked about what if the WW came back acting right.. like I said she is my close friend above all first, and there is nothing we do not openly discuss like adults. I would like this to work with her, but I will be absolutely fine if it does not. Either way I am moving forward, finding a better job for more money to have a better life for my kids and I. And I am never going back to the shell of a man that was so unhappy for so long again. I did not deserve that, and my kids dont deserve to see that.
And I will continue to pray that god points me in the direction I need to be and follow that path. I will be okay no matter what.
Last edited by Steve_; 05/26/2108:53 PM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.