After I posted, the girl I was dating called twice that evening. I was busy and agreed to call her back the next day. I expected that call to be a simple - you're good, I'm good, we're not good together, its all good. I was wrong.
I called her, she accused me of being an unfeeling narcissist and she questioned my integrity in the relationship. She said I obviously didn't have the feelings I said I had or I wouldn't have just let go. I explained my perspective and said that I wasn't interested in being talked down to with contempt, that I was not interested in passive aggressive tactics and criticism and that I wanted someone that understood how to validate my feelings as opposed to playing devils advocate or telling me why I was wrong.
So she began to understand my perspective, and she began to feel horrible about the whole thing and we left off with me telling her I needed time to think things through. Then over the next couple of days she continued to annoy me with texts.
Now here is where I fail. I have a problem where I look for the approval of others. I am not good with people thinking I'm a jerk - that's where I get looped in. I called her Saturday to re-affirm that it was over, but she didn't pick up. I called her Sunday to tell her it was over but she was in the middle of a family situation and I didn't feel it was right to drop bad news on her.
Then on Monday she called and I thought it would be the end but instead she continued to tell me how she could help me and how she could make me happy. I told her I needed time and the reality is I ended up confusing myself - which is where I am now.
I think the antics from the previous week were actually a way for her to reposition things so that she would have the upper hand in the relationship and she was floored that I didn't come crawling back. Once that didn't happen, she started to re-assess her plans, because she doesn't want me to actually walk away.
And then in my brain I vacillate between just wanting some peace to myself and thinking, well, she's pretty good - what if I never find anything better. I am a moron.
But I've learned a lesson - which is good - one of my massive downfalls is the search for the approval of others. It is an easy way for me to be manipulated and its not something that is easy for me to turn off. So that will be the next thing I work on - add it to the list.
Steve: I do think the relationship was giving me a lot of feedback regarding things for me to work on. That was probably the best part of it.
CW: And I agree, I just can’t have a high maintenance partner in life. I want someone laid back at this point. A friend of mine said an argument like this, this early in a relationship is a major red flag. I think I agree. The only counterpoint would be that at some point you need to learn to work through things together – but if you give me a hard time because I woke you from a mid Sunday afternoon nap to do work on your house, when you have no kids and nothing to do, and I’m rushing to get to my kids sporting events, come on. I don’t need that. I do need to continue to work on validation and at some point I’ll reread the book “The Art of Listenning”. I put the Brene Brown book in my amazon shopping cart to consider in the future.
R2C: I agree; I played my role. I was seeking approval and trying to do something for her she didn’t want or ask me to do. That helped cause the breakdown. The night before, I was insensitive and didn’t pick up on some things I had said that hurt her, that didn’t help either. Regarding controlling one’s emotions, I think they are important to control but also important to feel. My survival strategy has been not to feel – I don’t think that is healthy.
BL42: The process is brutal because its constant. You can be having a good day and then you get an email or call from one of the attorneys. I hate it. I just can’t wait until its over.
