A year on and standing 2

[ToSmile]

I seem to be at a stage that my consciousness is fighting against my feelings.

I get that feelings at times that is growing strong telling me to f it taking it as how she had been treating this whole deal and such.

But at other times, when I see my kids, I feel kinda torn to put them through what is to come. Yeah I know it may be better for them as well but I do not think I am brace enough for the emotions that gonna hit them once I carry this forward.

But at times, I really feel like telling her, it’s ok. I accede to what u want. I’ll just do the filing as you does not seem to be able to realise it and I’ll see it through.

As I was think about the above earlier today, something happened too.

I was chilling at somewhere near my place and I saw her car returning. She was like desperate for a parking lot, driving into an illegal lot and parked the car there. After a while, another car pulled up. She jump out from her car and hop onto the car.

I was kinda far away this I could not make out much details but I reckon it was a male driver. However she got back home about an hour later. Frankly I do not like what I see. I can’t be bothered about who it was and what’s the reason but I do feel it somehow triggered me.

Then when I got home, she wa trying to mess around with the boys playing with tj and got them loud and excited past bedtime. Something she always chided me for when I did so. I just told them to tone down and get ready for bed. I do feel that some of these actions are out of the norm. I don’t know. I just don’t like it and the feeling of not putting up with it grew strong in me.

I intend to start making my plans and drawing up my timeline to serve. Spoken to my elder boy also. To my surprise, he would rather we split as he felt my wife being the aggravator most of the time and we are all not happy. Though he would much prefer we are like what we once were. He weeped silently when he said these. Then the younger one still prefer we remain as family.

But my heart is driving closer to serving. I just feel that, she is testing my patience and why should I put up with these when she seems to be testing the limits?

That’s my feeling now. Thus I thought to tell her and get it moving. Though I am not ready at this point in time to be the initiator, I have no qualms to respond in acceptance if she initiated