My Story P2...Acceptance of the MLC Madness

[DnJ]

Good Morning Eagle

It is easy to forget English is not your mother tongue given how well you converse. I did wonder, as I wrote, if you would know the slang BS or not. I’m glad you asked for clarity.

I see I made a typo in my post to you.

It should have read:

Do not believe a word he says!! His make believe narrative is BS! Sell the house and get your full amount.

(Darn cell phones and the small keyboards. And wee screens. And old eyes. Lol )

My guess is that for me it is easier than for you in regards to approach. Where I live you can not refuse to have a divorce. If one party wants to divorce, the other one can't say no.

In my locale divorce cannot be stopped, all it requires is one party to want it. It’s the splitting up and allocations of assets that can be contested and go on and on - only if both parties are willing to fight (more or less). Divorce is a pretty efficient business otherwise with many many many previous precedent setting situations. Charts and tables and formulas calculate and illustrate who owes what and to whom. It’s the “negotiating” that consumes time. However, if both parties can find resolution and somewhat fairness - yeah whatever that is as one is being divorced and betrayed and lied to and so on - it does go kind of smoothly.

My separation was straightforward, done in two months. The one year living separately period passed and XW applied to the courts with the same separation she crafted. There was nothing for me to contest or argue against - I had full custody of the kids, house, assets, accounts, and so on and she had her already received lump sum payment. It then took the minimum waiting period of 6 months to get the actual courts to sign off and legalize the divorce. I will be the first one to admit my divorce is not the norm and about as easy and expedient a divorce as one can most likely get. (Man oh man XW was an irrationally driven women)

Obviously if one party is demanding extremely unfair allocation of marital assets and the other party correctly does not and will not agree to such a lopsided deal, then things will take a while to sort out. The consuming of financial resources can be extensive when one negotiates/fights in the courts or even when proceeding with legal mediation. Both of these paths take considerable time and resources for one is not upon these choices lightly. They take this path due to the unfair proposal and not being able to amicable find a neutral agreed upon ground. In the world of MLC it seems more often the case an irrational spouse either wanting a fast easy divorce making a good deal being driven by their guilt and desire for their new life, or they dig in and drag things out either wanting to crush their spouse or just not wanting to face their situation. All of which has absolutely nothing to do with the LBS. MLC is a dark abyss of pain that the person in crisis is embroiled within. It started long before we were ever on the scene and we were not invited along for their journey.

Rational behaviours from a MLC spouse is not to be expected. The dissolving of the business deal of marriage is going to be a sideways adventure. Rational doesn’t work. Amicable doesn’t work. Negotiating can work if the MLCer feels they want it or proposed it. That takes a light touch and a spouse who is predisposed in the right manner.

My XW didn’t want to fight and wanted a divorce all wrapped up quickly. She actually announced, to me and son, her consummating her affair just before her morning meeting on day 6; yuck, standing there in the kitchen telling me and son. Adultery is one of the two things one can get divorced without the requisite one year separation period. (The other is abuse, either physical or mental) XW’s extensive research (sarcasm lol) taught her that, so poof! “Now we can get a divorce” was how she proudly and smugly announced her dalliance. Her first proposal of separation had a clause where I had to charge her for adultery before the courts so she could plead guilty. (Her lawyer and my lawyer never seen anything like it. Our case is quite the rarity it seems.)

For an irrational person they have to feel like they’ve won. One must realize, the crisis person is usually angry or mad, hence the irrational and emotional decisions and not the more intellectual and rational considerations of seeking resolution. Unfortunately, that anger is usually irrationally projected upon the LBS. So, we have to appear to have lost - in the MLCer’s eyes. And, as I said, it is not us losing, it them winning, is the actual feeling they need.

My XW’s defiance turned away from me and towards her lawyer. He made the mistake of trying to slow her down. He made her see a financial planner before he would allow her to sign the separation agreement. XW came back still resolute. He made her see yet another financial planner. She then “showed” him. How dare he treat her like a child. She told him what she wanted and her L had her sign a waiver that she was going against his advice. She was more than happy to do that since she knew better then him, me, the kids, the world.

Once signed, irrational choices are as legally binding as rational choices.

Anyhow, treat this as a business deal gone wrong. Stay rational and logical when making decisions (which you have been). Do what is right for you, and where you can negotiate, let H lead and feel like it is his idea. He may just stumble upon and propose something that is good for you. Otherwise keeping moving forward and continue as you have been.

D