So...eight days until moving day. Still doesn’t feel real. Not sure how I am feeling about it all. I know it is the right choice for me. I am excited about building and living on the lake. But there is a part of me that is struggling with the finality of leaving what I thought was my forever home. And then soon after XH will be moving in and it will be as it was in the beginning only I will have been replaced. It’s strange because I don’t have any feelings left for him...but I think I am still grieving the loss of my family...not just for me but for my kids. My son especially who still brings up “the divorce” as one of the major sources of sadness in his life. He is such a sensitive soul...wise beyond his years in many ways. I love him beyond measure and it breaks my heart to know that it has impacted him the way it has. D13 is a little less forthcoming but I joked with her that now we would be able to tell if it was me she is so attached to or the house. I joked with her that it is probably the house and she said, “no...it’s you mom.” Apparently her dad’s place is super quiet and she really only sees him at dinner. If he’s not in the garage working on his projects, he is in his room where OW spends most of her time. Understandable given her health issues I suppose. So it will be good that they are here with their grandma too and D13’s bestie is just up the street.
Watched a video about social media the other day and decided to take a break from it. Deleted the apps from my phone so I wouldn’t be paying so much attention to them all of the time. I gave my phone number to Brook and told him if he wanted to have an “offline” friendship, he should give me a call. Not holding my breath as it’s been a few weeks since we reconnected and he’s never once suggested we meet. And now that he is back at work, I don’t hear from him nearly as much so I would be pretty shocked if my phone rang. Still happy we ran into each other again though...regardless of how things turn out.
TDH texts me once in awhile. I always reply but don’t try to prolong the conversation. I care about him a lot but I know that it never would have worked in the long run. We were just too different. He misses me which makes me sad. I know he’ll be fine but I hate that I hurt him. Sometimes I wonder if maybe this is just an area of my life that I am destined to get wrong. I’ve been getting that anxious feeling in my chest again lately...the one that kept me up at night when my marriage first imploded. I totally understood its origin then but I don’t know where it is coming from now. Possibly the stress surrounding moving...will be glad when it is over.
Anyway...gotta get some sleep. Have to be up in five hours. (((HUGS))) to all!!!
