Still taking it a day at a time (2)

[Elbereth]

Hi May,

There is a podcast called "Other People's Problems" by CBC and there is a client called Franklin who's W had an A and left him. The podcast is the therapy sessions and in reading your post, I remembered a part of the segment that I think will resonate with you and is along the lines of what SteveLW is expressing above. I listened again this am so I could write it down as close as I could to put it on here. They are discussing Franklin dating again and struggling with trust, but I think it still applies as M2.0 would be a new beginning, similar to a new relationship.

Season 2, Episode 6: "Hurt leads to fear. Insulating you from getting hurt again. The thing you are afraid of has already happened, and it was awful, and it hurt, AND you lived through it. Hold with you that you are afraid and it comes from the hurt. This has no bearing on what happens in the future. It’s your brain, and it is wired to protect you from what hurt you before. So in a relationship where you have been wounded, your brain is saying, stay away, but the paradox is that is the only place where you can heal.

You need to come to a point where you can see that a relationship is what it is, without the FEAR telling you what it is. So if things are going well, I want you to see that things are going well, and if things are not going well, I want you to be able to see that things are not going well. Not with fear filtering everything.

Be aware that you are afraid. And be aware that the thing you are afraid of has already happened. Be aware of those two things at the same time. Fear is a rational fear (no fear is irrational). It’s our brains way of protecting us. But we don’t want the fear to take over, but it comes from the place of hurt. We need to help heal you so that you don’t become afraid in places where you don’t need to be afraid anymore."

You H will be impatient and that has to be seperate from your healing. Your situation took time to happen, and it will take at least that long if not more to heal or work through what has happened. And SteveLW is right that this is your hurt, and your fear. It is what you have to work on. I do think that some working through the infidelity will happen in MC. But those parts are healing only aspects of what happened. When it comes to your fear, you have to work on that part alone. No one can take that on for you. It's internal. Your H can provide you with understanding and support, but it's up to you to do that work for you. And it's critical because even if you can't make it through to M2.0 with your H, the fear will prevent you from being able to move forward with any relationship you may have in the future.

I see this as seperate from forgiveness. Or in my case, accepting that my H's affair happened and choosing to not focus on the pain and trying to win him back is my way of doing the act of detachment for myself. But for me the word forgiveness feels different than that, as if I am letting him know that I am okay, as if I am sharing that with him. I am not. I am just doing the act of moving forward, and I'm doing it all for me.

I know for myself that I have been very open and trusting in my relationships up until now. So I am fully aware that I have this fear now myself, and I will need to work my way through it too. What has happened to us is the biggest betrayal there is. Recognize that it's monumental. It's hard. It hurts deeply. It won't heal in a day. But both of us are still here. We are walking, talking and loving. We survived the worst part of it. Yes, this part is still hard, but this part has hope. Hope for something better (for you M2.0 and for me my future before me without my H). Accept the fear, but don't let it rule you. I know its easier said than done. But you are doing great! Just keep moving forward day by day and with the fear guiding you but not ruling you.

xo

El