Still putting one foot in front of the other...

[Elbereth]

Please be careful, that ^^^ is how one rewrites their history. We all, at first, are looking through rose coloured glasses; amplifying the positive events and traits. As we remove those glasses we similarly amplify the negative. Both situations are us justifying our feelings and thoughts, which unrecognized can lead to you unwittingly altering your values.

Feelings are fleeting. Do not make life decisions or changes in who you are based upon them. Look to your principles and convictions.

It takes time to just see your history simply as it was. And an interesting observation: The rosy events and the less so rosy events, are real. Neither is incorrect. Both are part of your history. See it simply as it was. Accept it as it was.

It takes a bit of stretch to accept one’s history without rationalizing it along the way. Thing is, we need to gather both sides and the middle to be able to see, understand, and rationalize well. That, is the heart of the caution of not rewriting one’s history.

I know, I know...but honestly, I am a very logical and rational person. I know I am not just rewriting my history because I was hurt. I have known for a while some of the flaws in character that my H has. I loved him regardless. But in this time of stepping back emotionally from him and really growing and learning and exploring, I am looking back and realizing that there really was more bad than good in my relationship, at least for the last few years... Yes, I loved him and I wanted it to work, and I did a lot of trying. It's hard to deny that I was not a priority when I have done as much as I have done for my H with his baggage, his depression, his personality, etc. and as soon as I become ill and need support and ask for help, he gets angry and ditches me for another woman. Yes, I do feel that he is in MLC. But I do also realize he's a very selfish and weak person, who takes more than he gives, and cannot handle difficulties, etc. There are many examples of things that if I listed them all out here you would all say...oh, okay, I get it. He's a great guy but a not so great husband.

So, yes, I can go on and on and on about all the things about him that I loved and the parts of him that were amazing. Those were there too. But the truth is, the parts that were missing are important parts. Respect, selflessness, integrity, support and more. I mean, all the books and marriage programs I've been doing and reading discuss how to have a successful marriage, and with this new knowledge I have begun to see flaws more clearly. Sure, things could turn around. But I am not sure he wants to do the work. He's said so himself to me and to others that 'he just doesn't have it in him to work on our marriage'...so that alone says to me that he doesn't even share my principles about marriage and the commitment around it. But he didn't come across this way when we met or when we discussed marriage. He really was good at having me believe we were really aligned. But in hindsight, with the new knowledge I have gained over the last six months, I realize it wasn't as rosy as I thought it was. I was blinded by my love for him. So I really do not see it as emotionally rewriting my history. I really feel that it's a very rational woman learning and growing and connecting the dots of all that she has learned that has changed her opinion of her marriage. It's knowledge, not feelings that is driving these revelations.

Yes, it hurts. Deeply. I truly loved this man. I believed he was a different person than who he has shown himself to be in our marriage and with his affair. Maybe I was manipulated. Maybe I was blind. Maybe I just saw things through rose colored glasses. Honestly, in having no support (and even more pressure) when I felt my worst and needed him the most was a pretty big wakeup call to something being really wrong in the marriage. All the learning is validating and bringing to light more evidence of serious flaws that need to be acknowledged and not ignored.

I feel sad but empowered. Disappointed too. How could I not be? Honestly, facing these things has helped me to drop the emotional rope and detach, because I am doing it on logic and not feelings. I hope that makes sense?

Thank you so much for your perspective. It really does help me to dig deep and say "uh, yeah, I think I am not just rewriting my history on feelings". That is golden.

El