I think I have put too much effort into relationships because of the principles I have, but I am beginning to think that I take it too far...and keep doing it when my partners are not making the effort. Something I need to work on...
We hold to our principles because of who we are. Hold to those values and convictions for you. Or alter them, for you. Not because your partner wasn’t making the effort.
Its part of strengthening our beliefs that serve us, altering/creating those that we aspire to, and discarding those that do not serve us.
Originally Posted by Elbereth
I know everyone keeps telling me to not rewrite my history with my marriage but when I think about our lives together, I am starting to realize that our relationship was not what it should have been for what I feel marriage and partnership should be.
Please be careful, that ^^^ is how one rewrites their history. We all, at first, are looking through rose coloured glasses; amplifying the positive events and traits. As we remove those glasses we similarly amplify the negative. Both situations are us justifying our feelings and thoughts, which unrecognized can lead to you unwittingly altering your values.
Feelings are fleeting. Do not make life decisions or changes in who you are based upon them. Look to your principles and convictions.
It takes time to just see your history simply as it was. And an interesting observation: The rosy events and the less so rosy events, are real. Neither is incorrect. Both are part of your history. See it simply as it was. Accept it as it was.
It takes a bit of stretch to accept one’s history without rationalizing it along the way. Thing is, we need to gather both sides and the middle to be able to see, understand, and rationalize well. That, is the heart of the caution of not rewriting one’s history.
Also marriage is different than a relationship. A bit of an excerpt from a previous post of mine.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Marriage. That formal union of two people. The taking of a relationship to the next and highest level. Why get married?
Most people get married for love. They are in love and therefore get married. But why? You already have the love. What does marriage do? Why do you need to get married? You already have the love.
People marry for love. They should and need to marry the person, not the love. Love is the icing on the cake; it is not the cake.
A marriage should be based upon a solid respectful relationship, which both parties want to, and vow to, upon hold and strengthen.
Love is a thing. Marrying for love is no better than marrying for money. Marry the person not the thing. Vow to the person not the feelings you have.
That distinction, I believe, allows people to weather the storms of life. Love ebbs and flow, has its up and down, yet the person remains. Marry the person. (This is some of the reason I am where I am. Have the beliefs I do. Make the choices I do.)
Originally Posted by Elbereth
I'm doing okay... My financial course has ended and this month will be a lot of transition. But I am motivated to see what is next for me and trying to not focus on what I am losing. I'm hoping there is more to be gained in the future and I know I can only control my way of moving towards that.
The next month or two will be busy and full of change. It is hard not to reflect on what we lose. Yet, you wisely see your hopeful future and your control thereof. Yes, there are much positive gains ahead for you my friend.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
