First and foremost check out what SteveLW has linked here for you. Digging through the old stuff to find good things about piecing is arduous and time consuming. He just saved you a lot of time and energy.
Next, yay for you on your week off and alone time. And holy h3ll did you walk into a sh!tstorm with that new job. I think it's going to be a really good thing for you in the long run, but I'm sure in the short term it'll be a headache. However I honestly think this is probably exactly what you need. If you have less bandwidth to expend the energy it takes to hang on to pain and fear of the past, perhaps this will help you along. You'll have no other choice than to focus on today and tomorrow instead of yesterday.
What I told you that previously about hanging on longer than your H, I was speaking from what my friend told me from the heart, and my own experience. ExH brought up my A constantly. Every fight. Every time he was left to his own thoughts for too long. It colored any conversation we had with any depth. It colored our s3x life. It was sprinkled in everything I did good or bad. I'm not saying you need to let this go tomorrow and forget about it. It was a very long drawn out A. You have every reason on the planet to be struggling along here. The thing is exactly how I feel and have felt about forgiveness in this situation or any other is fairly close to MWD's thoughts. The anger and fear imprison you and hold your spouse hostage in suspended animation. The fact is even if you left him you'd have to eventually forgive him. Not because he deserved it, but because you do. Forgiveness is pretty word for letting go. We like to pretend it's some kind of grand miraculous gesture. It's not. It's the act of choosing to no longer be chained by the actions of another. It's detachment in another form. I've forgiven my step-father because it's what's best for me. I've forgiven my mother. My ex-H. My current H. Not because any of them deserved it, but because all of the weight I had to bare holding on. IMHO it isn't so much let bygones be bygones as it is giving yourself permission to live your life without the actions of others holding you back.
My point with all this is H is trying, H is moving on and has every desire to move on WITH you. I think it's ok to sit in your feelings when they wash over you like that. I think it's ok to not forget about the lost years in your MR and why they were lost years. I think though that if you really want MR 2.0 that you have to be part of that process to. You have to make the choice to leave MR 1.0 behind. These sitches are like forest fires. The devastation is impossible to deny, but with time it all grows back sometimes even more beautifully than before. You weren't fortunate enough for it to have been a controlled burn. But this is the lot you've been dealt. Is it worth your time to focus on how you got to regrowth or is it time better spent cultivating what's left to be better than it was before?
