I am not detached, Pack19 part4

[Pack_19]

hi all!

I hope you all had a great weekend and those GAL batteries are recharged!

@LH, thanks for the answers, thanks for the critical view on my unfortunate messages and thanks for the boldness on your suggestions. Kids and finances, business like, understood! Let's see how many times I stumble before I get this working long term.

I have started working on getting my paperwork in place for D this summer. I need a couple of documents from work and then I can engage with the new L, however, since I work in a large worldwide corporation and they have to make an exception for me to work in between Seville and Madrid, it is taking long time and headaches.

I had a very strange conversation with my manager some weeks ago that left me broken. She is also a mom and she told me moving forward I have 3 options:
1 - I continue to grow in the team and I make my family life work with the travel required after COVID, meaning I need support from W or family when I need to be out.
2 - I become a backup team member, never leading engagements but working flexible hours in the background
3 - She helps me find a new role with less travel

My immediate answer was 1 and I will make it work, but it left me worried thinking all my personal situation has ended up being a problem with my manager. She said she was here to help me, but I could not avoid all my worries. I thought a lot about all the changes and destruction W has brought into my life and I had a weak moment of thinking how this all could resolve if we R and could be a family again. Then I relaxed and thought, "no Pack, that would be the easy solution, easy is not the best. Short term inconvenience for the desired long term happiness, I can make this work alone!".

We only interact to exchange the kids and I always make sure to be the first one to leave. About the house in Munich, I ended up sending her an email asking f she could sign the contract for selling it and if all was fine and she replied that she had found a couple of mistakes but was talking to our contact there. Later she emailed me asking if she had to sign a specific page to what I replied "yes please do".

I am dealing with a lot of frustration for my career because I keep feeling that I have to choose between keeping frequent contact with my children or growing professionally because eventually covid will be over and I will be expected to work in an office to grow and promote and that office will not be in Seville based on what I do now and I don't want to leave ( I work in artificial intelligence and I consider myself very fortunate for it, I do not want to change that).

Despite I still have my bad days and some poor sleep nights I am working on staying focused on the children, Pack and my job. Just this weekend I went to the beach with them and took our first swim of the year with S7. I love being with them, they really are an oasis in my life. Deep inside I still cannot believe all that has happened, how S7 cannot remember a thing about our life in Munich and everything W has said and done since this nightmare started.

I bought a couple of Saucony running shoes with an energy plate inside. They are meant to help you go faster so now I have two pairs I can mix depending on how I am feeling and the kind of training I go for. Crossfit is killing me but boy do I love it! My hands are full of blisters from pull ups and weight lifting but I can see myself improving. I am also taking my motorbike lessons and loving it! Got myself a good helmet, nice gloves and a jacket and I try to go as much as I can, I dont know why I had never jumped on a motorbike before! Anyways, I am taking it slowly because I have kids and everyone encourages me to be very respectful, not that it is necessary because I will be but it is I believe an important message to keep in mind.

I finished refurbishing the bathroom and it looks epic! The black finishes on the tap, the shower and the shower screen makes it look really male in a cool way and the kids love it! They can now take showers using the upper rain-effect head and they just love it. I think it was money well invested! With that, the house in Seville is done and I can focus my savings on the kids and my passions (cars and motorbikes).

Still spend a lot of time thinking about the past and how my life has changed as well as how done W is with me and all that our family represents for her. I have moments of doubt about my changes and my ability to keep it up but I have my PIES as a reference to follow. I am going to start reading "The art of seduction" and I will now post here more often as a diary. Time goes by, every time I look at S3 in the eyes my brain shouts "there must be a way to give you a full family back" and yet I know is time for Pack to set up boundaries on the things I can tolerate in my life. Scr@w my May deadline, I am not ready to D in a healthy way. I will do it in August when I have all the paperwork ready and I will write in my brain that I gave it all I could for 2 years since BD. I am also not ready to date, but I feel lonely, I miss being intimate with a woman badly and I hate all the pressure I get from outside to "just open my eyes to reality and move on".

On a positive side, here are some changes I have established in my life.
P- I have changed my eating habits, I have never been this fit and I will compete asap once Covid is over. I have never been so much into having exercising routines and I have new clothes for the good weather coming up.
I - I start in June my new project as leader and I keep learning about the cloud and all related to my work. I have now 10 books on my queue to get started with.
E - When I talk to someone I focus on listening and understanding how they are feeling. I am learning to accept this miserable stage of my life will not last forever and truly letting W go
S - I am trying to parent my kids with love and at the same time discipline. I pray for them and for me and I am learning to understand my weaknesses as that desire to pursue the women I like and I am learning to change that in me and working on improving the respect I feel for myself and my self esteem.

Thank you all, please keep posting here. There are still many edges in me I have to work on.

((hugs)) Pack