Sorry for the religious stuff if it bothers anyone. But I really leaned on my faith to get through these times. Its been monumentally difficult and I just needed something to cling to. Im not a super churchy zealot or anything, but I found my faith going through the hardships of combat, depression, and so forth. Its been really important to me in order to shoulder the things I have without turning to alcohol or drugs or some other destructive behavior, I chose to turn to god. Its not for everyone but that really helped me.
And I am not angry, I am not coming into this new phase of emotion with the stbxw. The only emotion that I feel toward her is honestly sadness and pity. She will absolutely regret the things she did some day and knowing that she wont ever get a chance to fix them even if she ever did change I do feel a bit sad for her on that. She really did think she could keep me in her pocket forever, and although her entire family told her that one day her H would just give up and be done she never listened. I feel sad for that. And also I do worry about what kind of OM she will involve with my kids, but having a strong set of in-laws I am really fortunate that they will be very protective when the kids are not with me.
Its not about anger, not about depression or that aching hole of loss anymore. Its about each day staying strong and knowing I did my best and allowing myself to live better and standing up for Steve. Im still getting used to it but im doing really good.
I appreciate all you guys have done, and all the 2x4's and everything you have endured. I will continue to post, try to support others and remain active. I needed this board, I didnt see how clear-cut and true you guys were being until now, once I think back on all the post you guys have made it makes sense and it was all right, I just couldnt accept it before, and I know that can be frustrating for yall. Thanks for hanging in there, truly.
I commend you on turning to something positive (faith) instead of negatives (drugs and alcohol). Well done. We see many LBSs here that suffer because they turn to wanton and sex and chemicals to cope. That rarely turns out well. You've made a lot of mistakes Steve, turning to God is not one of them!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
