(((Steve))). I know people here are hard on you sometimes. We have all been there, believe me, and we keep posting to newcomers because we are hoping they will learn from our experiences and maybe get through this a little bit faster and a little bit easier. But we all have our path to walk and sometimes that means drawing out the pain more than others would like us to.
My thoughts in reading your thread is that you are starting out on the right path. Being fully honest with yourself is the first step. That takes a lot of self reflection and deep dives into our own psyche’s. Some of us can get there on our own (well...not fully as we have this community to give us 2x4’s when we need it) while others need a bit more extra help in the form of IC. Some of us need to put our hand on the flame a number of times before we fully realize we are going to get burnt every time,
Here is when you will know that you have truly moved on. You won’t be feeling sadness or pity for your XW. You may look at her objectively and think, “wow...she’s missing out on a better life with her crazy choices” but that isn’t a feeling - it’s an observation. The goal here is indifference. That word has some negative connotations as it implies a lack of caring. It’s not that at all. It just means that when you interact with your ex in anyway, it no longer has an effect on you - good or bad. She will no longer have the power to affect your mood or your behaviour.
And when you get there my friend, there will be SO MUCH PEACE that you will find yourself laughing sometimes at the thought of you ever wanting anything different. When you are finally past this and you have figured out your own contributions to the demise of your marriage (we all could have done better even if we were not the cause) and know what it is you want in a partner, you will not have to convince the other person to love you...they just will. And you will know how to nurture that love and build a life with that person. Keep moving forward my friend...with honesty, integrity, forgiveness and love.
Saw this quote on FB recently that really resonated with me in terms of how I wanted to go through this process. I’m sharing it with you as I think it may help you as well. Makes a great mantra...
“May I release my ego’s need to defend myself. May I have the courage to live in alignment - walking in the integrity of my own unique path. May I forgive the parts of myself that become reactive when I’m misunderstood. May I continue to show up over and over again as I learn to trust that everything is happening to serve my evolution and the greater good of the collective.”
