[DnJ]

Good Morning Eagle

The update regarding H’s visit and his behaviour is very interesting. And yes, the relationship between him and his Mom is pretty telling of where H’s trauma originates. Like most, childhood experiences, one’s where the child was too young to understand or accept what happened and internalizes it. Makes the event about themselves, and therefore blames themselves. This incorrect adoption of blame and guilt is buried deep within the young and emotionally immature person. Many years later, a trigger - an event, a death, a marriage, life, old age, etc... - uncovers these trauma(s) and the associated assumed guilt and such. And thus starts their mad driven running. The tormented individual needed to grow up from when they were emotionally traumatized and stunted; a task not easily accomplished.

H’s path shows many signs of a person in pain, conflict, and confusion at crisis levels. Everyone experiences mid life changes and transitions from one stage to the next. The mid life transition is a difficult one. One has worked their life, raise their kids, loved their family and friends - as they have. Their past is their past. One looks upon their life’s work to this point, with the realization that the sun will set upon them someday, and reflects. If one has lived well, respectfully, honourably, with minimal regrets, and so on, their path is one of ascension and progression towards those golden years (the next transition). One with a less honourable path and more regret-causing history will struggle more. A person with unrealized buried trauma(s) and unreconciled emotions enters into an emotional crisis, their transition being so difficult it becomes a mid life crisis.

The MLCer is completely unable to ascend. They cannot yet face their past, nor even realize the trauma(s). In time, hopefully, they grow enough to see their way forward. See the true cause of those long ago pains. And forgive themselves. For that is really the key and something which no one else can do for them.

That same evening, when she was there, he again lashed out at our eldest son. I've always taught them (after reading here so many times) that when H says hurtful words to them, they should just get up, say they're going to another room and not argue with him. My son was wise enough to do this, my H told him to stay seated, my son said firmly but politely that he was not going to do this because of the way he was addressed and still left. What a strength. I was so proud of him and told him afterwards.

I am proud of you Eagle and your son. Well done my girl. What an excellent lesson and strength to pass on to your boys.

Your eldest, being 16 or 17, is an appropriate age to respond to Dad as well as leave the room. Son telling Dad he is leaving because of the way he is being addressed is good. It define son’s boundary, and enforces same.

I also read the reactions and could understand from this that an MLC’er constantly rewrites his history in the running phase, clearly lives in a fantasy world and does not admit that he has serious problems he has to deal with, but does it also happen that they show both signals?

That they openly say that they have a problem but that they still function quite well on the outside?

The answer is like most things in life - it depends. There are so many factors and variables in a situation, in a person’s life, that it depends upon many many things. Generalizations are possible and even “mostly” accurate, for that is why they are generalizations. However, nothing is guaranteed nor completely predictable.

Your inquiry is at the heart of the crisis. What is the person experiencing inside? We can guess, even have experienced educated guesses, yet no one really knows. Not even the crisis person. That is the level of an emotional crisis. One’s emotions are so out of control that running, that destroying their life, is their only way they feel they can maybe find happiness. They are so desperate, and desperate people do desperate things.

A person in crisis runs - from their past, from their present, from their future. The truth that they cannot see, they run from themselves - a futile effort, for no matter how far or fast you run, there you are.

In the running phase their history is rewritten. They dive into new behaviours, most of which push the boundaries, being immoral, illegal, dangerous, and so on. They are driven to feel something, anything to run from the pain, and to relieve that numb feeling. They cannot love, not even themselves. They lose the capacity for empathy and turn completely towards themselves, not in reflection just selfish fulfilment of desires. Spending, drinking, drugs, affairs and sex, etc. They now place their wants and wishes first and foremost, feeling somehow cheated over the years, and having missed out on their youth. Remember, these lost souls are tormented from long ago pains and are reliving that time over and over and over. It’s no wonder they run from such a hellish torment.

Thing about a crisis and running, it’s not an all or nothing affair. Yes, these people are much more driven emotionally than stable individuals. However, they are not insane. They are irrational. They behave irrationally. They make decisions irrationally. Mostly.

A MLCer can and usually does show both sides. Clear and almost reasonable thinking at times and complete disorder at other times. No one has experience dealing with such duality in their spouse or anyone until they do. An oddly self evident statement, and one that is easily missed. We all didn’t know about “real” MLC until we saw it for ourselves being expressed within our once loving spouse. We all needed to find understanding of such confusing and quite abnormal interaction.

We all have our four “cars” or lanes on our path of life - physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual. When focused upon one of these, we exist in only that car. Consider intellectual, when one is really thinking logically about something their emotions are not pushing and pressing upon them. When one digs a hole or works out, they are engrossed in that. No problems or pressures, only physical, and afterwards there is usually a clarity from such a break. We only drive one car at a time. (I do have a chapter on the subconscious autopilot of our lives, which I’d like to get written down sometime. Anyhow, consciously we only drive one car. )

This is the same for a person in crisis. They drive only one car at a time. For the most part MLCers are dragged back into their emotional car (much like we are right after bomb drop, before we find detachment) and spend quite a bit of time behind that particular wheel. And that is not a good place from which to make life altering decisions.

The MLCer still has their intellect. Their skill set. Their abilities. They can still work, play a piano, perform surgery, and such. Their life long training is not absent. Most MLCers hide in plain sight among the world’s population, only those closest to them knowing the terrible reality. Lawyers, doctors, clergy, clerks, managers, stay at home parents, whoever - MLC is nondiscriminatory. Gender, race, occupation, married, single, region, and such matters not - MLC can and does strike anyone.

The majority of MLCers can somewhat maintain their professional life, however there is a subset that completely burns down their life. They throw everything aside - kids, work, religion, faith, and so on. My XW is such an individual. Having worked from home, she would have too much pressure on her to remain in that employment having such a tangle of family/work/past all within her crisis.

Regardless, their outer appearance, their mask, is one of a good life. This is directly driven from their need to appear right. They must maintain their fantasy, for they cannot face being wrong. However, us, those that know them best, a MLCer know that we know them. At times that mask slips around us. It takes enormous energies to run and they do tire.

Realize a MLCer is confused. They do see their life and history; as much as they attempt to believe otherwise. They do see their choices; regardless how driven their were to making them. There is an incredible amount of pressure inside them. With time and space, perhaps they awaken to the truth of their reality.

And therein lay the crux of your inquiry. What is the person experiencing inside? All we have is their outer self, which unfortunately is mostly a facade.

H saying he has a problem is a good sign. It is one data point among many. Do not read too much into it. Remember, believe nothing they say and only half of what they do.

Is H seeking help? Looking for a IC? Aside from his words, what actions is he implementing?

Running has times of fast and hard running, and times of regret and sorrow, and times of even a more normal behaviour. All are within the running phase of a crisis. Until the crisis individual grows and faces their pain, they will remain.

Consistent, demonstrated, positive behaviour. Not words. That is a good indicator of an awaken. H’s current behaviour shows traits of empathy and caring. And I do understand how confusing that appears to you. How does someone do this? How can someone be like this? They are very confused.

Everything is about the MLCer. H’s actions are due to his driven emotional state or because of how his actions are making him feel. Everything. Is.

That is not some shot at H, it is a compassionate view. H is a sad lost soul and must traverse his path, for any hope of finding his way through his darkness.

His next visit is just before the children's exams and he asked if it might not be better to postpone it for a few weeks because his visit could have too much of an impact on their preparation (which is very much the case), crazy to hear now he finally realizes he has a huge impact on their emotions because of his behavior. Also financially very helpful, do what is good for you, I have so much on my mind at the moment, so much to deal with, I know you will handle everything with respect.

Not visiting because of the impact from his actions, is avoidance. H is running. I do not think H believes or realizes the impact his behaviour has upon the kids. He isn’t visiting because he doesn’t feel like it. Follow his actions not his words. Did he change his behaviour? If it is affecting the kids so much wouldn’t he change?

Leaving you to deal with the finances is him avoiding responsibility. Yes, he will follow whatever deal is made, and wants to remain an arms length away from it. To isolate himself from the actualities of what he has done.

Guilt is funny stuff and gets expressed is all sorts of ways. H is currently very helpful and most likely feeling very guilty. Not unexpected after a visit at the old home with family, friends, and the happiness of his old life pressing upon him.

Your forwarding the divorce proceedings - now is a good time. H is helpful, and that comes and goes, and usually doesn’t last too long.

You are doing very well and asking good questions. This is a bizarre situation to explore and I hope I shed some light for you.

D