As someone who was a pretty crappy husband for a longtime, I can give you this perspective: the worst feeling in the world is to truly and sincerely want true forgiveness and not be able to get it.
It sounds like he's truly and sincerely 180'd, as you say, is in it 100%, and wants desperately to have a fresh new start and to work on things from this point forward.
I forget if you are in IC or not, but you should be. To help you navigate the feelings and anger. And I'd also highly recommend finding a good MC, one that has experience helping couples heal from infidelity. Faith-based is my highest recommendation for both since they are pro-marriage and won't be as likely to push you towards D and being a WAW yourself.
In Dec. of 2018, a year after my own BD, with my W trying very hard to make up for the past, my anger and bitterness led me to almost walkaway myself. It was a weird feeling, almost as if someone else were in control of my thoughts and feelings. I had to take step back from the urge to blow things up and BD her, and just take it slow. It got better and I'm glad I was patient with myself because once I came through it I was ready to embrace and work hard on marriage 2.0 with her.
Just keep hanging in there and work on letting go of the anger and bitterness. Resentment is not conducive to moving onward and upward.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
