Oh yes, astounding is right! These MLCers live in such a shadow. It is much like how a teenager keeps their life secret from their parents. The MLCer’s adolescent behaviours they hide from their former partner and life. Spouse, old friends, work colleagues, kids, their parents, etc... see only the shadow these crisis individuals now reside within.
My XW never speaks to me. And she seldom shares anything of her life with her children; especially anything of importance. Her rare conversations are superficial small talk and mostly digging and inquiring into the children’s lives.
Your XH spent many years in his “dorm room” hidden away and living as a teenager. He still is living in that adolescent emotional realm it appears. The shadowy secrecy is necessary for him. Guilt, shame, regret, and so on push and pressure within him; and he cannot face it. MLCer’s lie and convince themselves (and anyone who will listen) of their fantasy view, even as reality slams against them. His divorce within six months is very telling. And still, he runs and cannot look towards his torment.
The boys do interact with Dad and do hear his beliefs and narrative. S17’s, “it’s no big deal” comes right from his Dad. S15’s view of Dad and Wife#2 never fighting, also sounds like Dad’s justifying and explaining to those who will listen.
You are correct. Marriage takes work and should not be entered in to, nor thrown away, with such ease. Though, XH’s marriage to OW was on rather feeble ground, being built upon the sandy foundation of lies and deceit.
I understand your concerns about the yarns XH is spinning, and the Kool-Aid he is pouring for the boys. Please do not underestimate your power when it comes to writing their family of origin story.
Originally Posted by HaWho
So concerning to have all this written into their FOO story now. I have so much anger for all my ex has written into their lives.
Yes it is concerning. And an incredible opportunity for your boys to learn some truly great life lessons.
That, is what is before you. None of us would wish this upon our lives and especially our children’s lives. Yet, it is here.
Your anger is perfectly normal and understandable. And part of processing all the secrets which you are now uncovering. Feel it and let it go. Act and behave, as you can and will, to combat against XH’s sad narrative. You cannot control his actions or words, only your’s.
Write better upon your boys’ book of life. Better views and beliefs of what is: friendship, love, marriage, respect, trust, accountable, responsibility, honour, faith, loyalty, and so on.
One does not fight fire with fire. The MLCer will expend enormous energies into maintaining their fantasy and view point. One cannot fight head on. Beside, fighting begets fighting. We come at this from a different tact.
Continue to lead by example. Providing small course adjustments to your boys’ lives. Have those conversations regarding girlfriends, dating, what marriage means, valuing people, etc. They are 15 and 17, and will be living their somewhat hidden secret lives as well. Have faith, it is ok, and normal. Keep being Mom. Loving and open. Their beacon. The boys will figure out the truth and better path. As much as they seem to not be listening or paying attention, they really are.
My kids were thrown away. They know what Mom did, and how she treated me and them. And none of them would want their spouse to treat them like Mom treated me. The biggest lesson for them was/is finding forgiveness for Mom. That allows them to live and love their life. To love another. To be happy. To date. To see a proper marriage. And so on, all without the nagging feeling and expectation of the rug being pulled out from under them. And, it falls to us, the strong stable parent, to lead and inspire them to that great life. To inspire them (and ourselves) to let go and seek better not bitter.
I realize I’m preaching to the choir here. You know this. You’re a seasoned vet. Still, a little encouragement from a friend who’s been in similar shoes can be such a boost.
You are doing very well my inspiring friend.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
