Sorry Wolf - your ex sounds like she's playing on your daughter's long time fears . If it's any consolation, my middle child was always very close to my ex, and when my ex left was 18. For several years I was the bad guy, because somehow I should have made dad "happy" enough to stay. My ex also apparently had filled this child's head with all his complaints about me, inappropriately using this child as sounding board and justification for his infidelity. (I wasn't perfect, nobody is, but I was a loving and caring wife and his departure was really all about him, not me. Well, partly about my inability to transform myself into a 30 year old Asian girl. )
However, once said child grew up and began to see which parent had their back and which parent was always giving them grief - he now often tells me how grateful he is to me, and he has a distant relationship with his father. I have never bad mouthed their father to them but they have all learned over time who he is without me having to say a word.
Keep loving your daughter, accept that this may be a rocky time, keep being the adult in this trio. DON'T be like my current boyfriend. He had an acrimonious divorce (I only have his side of the story, but his wife sounds like she had some serious issues including alcoholism and "Princess syndrome"- nonetheless, he's not an easy person to live with either). His daughters blamed him and do not really have contact with him. He looks like he was a loving father when they were little, took them to all their games, lots of loving pics. He was so hurt by their abandonment in the divorce that he has given up and doesn't try to contact them. I have tried to tell him that he's the parent in this situation and it's his job to keep reaching out to them (they're all in their 20's) but he doesn't. Even though he has a terminal disease.
