Fierce compassion, equanimity, integrity #2

[DnJ]

Good Morning cardinal

I believe H is running to stay ahead of memories, yet apparently I have to keep testing this belief because the carefree-ness he projects is so convincing. But also maybe there is that aspect that WF writes about, that he doesn't know how to love through the hard times. The thing is, I thought he did--why would I have married him otherwise?

Oh yes, the carefree, assured, I’ve made the right choice, facade they wear as a mask is very convincing - it has to be, elsewise their entire reality crumbles. A person in crisis has and is rewriting their history and past. Ignoring some things, making up other things, exaggerating certain aspects and taking stuff out of context, all to justify and craft their shinny new narrative. The driving force behind this irrational behaviour is their emotional pain and torment from unrealized trauma(s) long ago. Irrational, without doubt, for to discard one’s own life experiences is not a rational choice. Consider how hurt and far gone one must be to become so different; to throw away so much.

We all struggle to find “our” way to look at this. To believe what we see right before our eyes. I happen to see many points of view as true; no one thing is the full be all end all explanation of such a complex mental shift. It helps to think of the crisis individual as another person. Yes, they are the same person/body; it’s their mind and emotionally self we are considering. Not quite dual personality, although close. Maybe more of dominate vs submissive characteristics and self.

The thing is, I thought he did--why would I have married him otherwise?

He did! Believe that. It is part of your experience. No need to rewrite that. You know this, you married him because he could love through the hard times.

However, MLC is an incredibly insidious force which the unfortunate bearer is completely ill-prepared for. Their past rises up from its once buried dark depths and consumes them in pain and anguish. A crisis is inevitable, with the seeds being planted long ago. It’s these very seeds which stunted their emotional growth and ergo an ill-prepared person awaits their unknown fate.

H is currently a different person. It’s more than he cannot love through the hard times. He cannot love - you, friends, himself. He wears that assured mask for he absolutely has to. He cannot love even himself. Think about that. What a confusing place to live within your own scrambled mind and heart.

This confusion is expressed in all sorts of ways as they expend enormous energies convincing themselves and others everything is fine and right. Two years post BD and H has still not divorce you, even though he says he wants too. Words vs actions. Follow the actions and only 50% of those. H is (was) utterly confused, and perhaps is sorting some things out.

That weekend wave of accepting and feeling proud of my ability to love? It has been replaced with a deep sadness all week. H has been mostly gone since last week, though I did have to email him the monthly bill email and I wished him a happy birthday, and he said thanks.

Why?

Why the changed feelings?

What triggered it? What reinforced it?

Feeling are fleeting. And will flit unless reinforced.

What you want reinforcing your emotions is your beliefs, not the external forces and actions of others.

It is an excellent and incredible trait to love our betraying broken spouses. Your ability to love in the face of all this - be proud of that! Right down to your soul! Believe it. That is a worthy path of Grace my friend.

Such belief will not be replaced by sadness. At times sadness, even that deep sadness, will swell up; however it does not replace one’s values. You can feel and experience both, and many more, together. Yeah, this is coming from a man. And us guys are usually singularly emotionally operative. Lol. Relax, be still and silent, look deep, listen, and your multitude of emotions and beliefs and thoughts will align and sort. Oh, what a peace comes from that!

...so even if I wanted to date, I'd wait until that was official. Some of the stuff posted in DnJ's thread was already on my mind. Am I missing out on other love and companionship because of my choices? Life is short. Knowing that doesn't change how I feel about H or dating right now though.

For what it’s worth, I’m much on the side of my still intact vows. I am considering altering my own beliefs, and no one else’s. This exercise is causing strain within me, which is actually strengthening my beliefs and values. As I say, what good are beliefs if there are weak and cannot withstand the storms of life.

The more I consider stepping down, to not stand, to not stand for me, the more my peace and contentment falters. This is the opposite of an MLCer. Similar life direction perhaps, yet intellectually driven not emotionally. A thoughtful look before you leap approach. My current decision is to remain as is - happy, content, and proud of who I am and the life I lead.

Life is indeed short. Best to live it full and well. How ever one truly and deeply defines that. And if one doesn’t yet know their definition, be patient and answers will reveal themselves. I know it. I’ve experienced it. I believe it.

I’m engaging on a surface level because I don’t think H has been or is in a place to engage beyond that. But what if I’m wrong? What if I never do my part to make space for more?

H is a different person.

Before H had been in a place to engage beyond the superficial - you know this. Currently, H is not able too - you know this too.

What you are not seeing is your attempts to reconcile these two at odds views. They come from the same person/body, not the same inside. Two different people from different times. The H of your marriage has been dragged down and troubled H is dominate, for the moment. I’m sure you see flashes and times of old H peaking through, right?

Making space, doing your part, and such, matters not. Nothing you do will greatly alter H’s path. Yet, everything you do will. I know, I know. What the ___ are you talking about DnJ.

No one thing will make any great lasting difference to H’s journey. He must traverse it himself. You were not invited.

And, everything you do. Your values, your core self, will affect him - especially if/when he awakens. How you treated him matters - then. But, it matters now - for you! And your values. And yes, for him, as much as he projects it doesn’t. (The not giving him further justification and so on.)

If you don’t make space, might be the very thing that prompts him to look further within. Or not. That’s the problem - no one knows all ends. So, focus on you. Be the best cardinal you will be. Live your values, and no matter what happens you will be at peace and have a content life.

Do I just sail through another few months or a year of surface level, acquaintance type convos? Or at some point do I make the effort to have more “real” human exchanges with him, even if as friends? To just say in this case, it feels so strange to be talking with you about my grandpa as if you didn’t know him for so long too.

Some direct advice. Yes, continue as you are. Focus on you and leave him to God.

If H wants back, no force on earth will stand in his way. You job is not to place boulders in his path is all; he needs to walk it.

You can attempt deeper exchanges, if you want too. If they don’t work - back off quickly. No pressure, time and space, remember. H is in crisis and that is an irrational landscape where the normal rules of interaction get all messed up.

H is a different person. Grandpa is a pressure H cannot face right now. Also H is somewhat back in time, when he didn’t know/feel Grandpa; hence the indifference you sense about him.

I guess I’m feeling inauthentic again. Feeling like I’m partly staying super surface because I don’t want to be vulnerable.

Protecting one’s self is perfectly normal.

If I may, your feelings of inauthentic-ness: Realize you are being authentic. Your feelings make sense given the situation and who H currently is. Seek that which is reinforcing those feelings and let go. Find your belief and strengthen it and let it guide your emotional self - that accepting and proud of self feeling.

Have a wonderful Sunday my friend.

D