Having my heart broke after dating someone 2 1/2mo over a misunderstanding which I still can't make up for 2 months later?
KK I was just dating a girl for 4 months who decided to go back to an ex boyfriend who reach out and I was fine the next day. Did it suck? Yep But why do you think I bounced back immediately? Because I did the work.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I sent 3 texts about my youngest brother who is far far far from home. And then I sent 3 memes all of which I thought were funny and my STBXH would find them funny. IDK why I did this... I really don't... I mean sure go all out on my mental state and say I'm still trying to get his attention.
Just be friends with him. There is nothing wrong with it.
Having my heart broke after dating someone 2 1/2mo over a misunderstanding which I still can't make up for 2 months later?
KK I was just dating a girl for 4 months who decided to go back to an ex boyfriend who reach out and I was fine the next day. Did it suck? Yep But why do you think I bounced back immediately? Because I did the work.
I've been on a date with a guy and never heard from him again and it didn't bother me in the least... I've had 2nd and 3rd dates and it just doesn't work up... not bothered. I've currently got a guy texting only every 2 weeks to meet up... whatever. I've had guys chase me down for dates only to then be like whatever... and I'm totally fine with whatever. Had a date yesterday and wasn't feeling it... so I cancelled the night before. Doesn't bother me.
All I can say is this one guy got under my skin.
It happens.
I will get through it. Its just gonna bite for the short term.
Quote
Originally Posted by KitCat
I sent 3 texts about my youngest brother who is far far far from home. And then I sent 3 memes all of which I thought were funny and my STBXH would find them funny. IDK why I did this... I really don't... I mean sure go all out on my mental state and say I'm still trying to get his attention.
Just be friends with him. There is nothing wrong with it.
I don't think that's what I want. I miss his friendship. But, I don't think I just want to be friends. Mostly because while he thinks we are... we really aren't. He can't be honest about anything - lies about living alone, lies about going on vaca alone... that's not somebody being your friend.
I will get through it. Its just gonna bite for the short term.
No way you still be this busted up over 6 dates. Especially while you are still obsessed with your STBXH.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I don't think that's what I want. I miss his friendship. But, I don't think I just want to be friends. Mostly because while he thinks we are... we really aren't. He can't be honest about anything - lies about living alone, lies about going on vaca alone... that's not somebody being your friend.
OMG that's because you watch his dog and send him memes. That's what friends do! You are confusing him!
I will get through it. Its just gonna bite for the short term.
No way you still be this busted up over 6 dates. Especially while you are still obsessed with your STBXH.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I don't think that's what I want. I miss his friendship. But, I don't think I just want to be friends. Mostly because while he thinks we are... we really aren't. He can't be honest about anything - lies about living alone, lies about going on vaca alone... that's not somebody being your friend.
OMG that's because you watch his dog and send him memes. That's what friends do! You are confusing him!
Well for starters... I don't think you can judge me on who I'm attracted to and stuck on... it happens. It doesn't happen to me very often and when it does I do truly get stuck. Most guys can come and go and I'm like whatever. The last guy I got this stuck on was my STBXH. So I'm not going to feel bad about it especially if I recognize that I'm just stuck/fixated on this guy. Not in some obessive way - I'm not internet stalking him or showing up at his house... gross. No I'm just stuck on the small things... the smile, the way he said the word "sugar", how he showed up on time for every date and was already waiting at a table (It takes 3 dates before I let a guy pick me up), his stupid sense of humor.
It is what it is... it will pass...
UGH... I am NOT confusing him. He is biding his time till we are divorced. He feels he pacifies me and he doesn't have to L up... He wants the D to amicable so he doesn't have to feel bad. That's why he lies === we are not friends. I am a means to an end. And, I'm still struggling with the loss... still processing how things have to be the way they are. Its my timeline.
Well for starters... I don't think you can judge me on who I'm attracted to and stuck on... it happens. It doesn't happen to me very often and when it does I do truly get stuck. Most guys can come and go and I'm like whatever. The last guy I got this stuck on was my STBXH. So I'm not going to feel bad about it especially if I recognize that I'm just stuck/fixated on this guy.
If you don't fix this you will always be in a hold on tight fearful state and and send the next guy running too.
Originally Posted by KitCat
It is what it is... it will pass...
I am not so sure if you are still hung up after many months on 6 dates.
UGH... I don't want to be friends... but that is the lot I have created for myself.
Randomly Tuesday my STBXH texts me his new work email... Several hours later I just replied "ok thanks". The strange part is that he gave me his new work email address in January and we had a long discussion about the fact that they've partnered with a French company. I did not bring that up... I just rolled with it and moved on.
Wednesday was court. I thought he might contact prior to coming to town because he has done that before. I never intended on being there - I've got an atty.
Well 10min after court was supposed to have started I get a text from H "well that was pointless".
I just assumed that he drove an hour each way for a 10min court update. I don't know why but I called. He answered and it was then I found out that it was continued ---- apparently my atty is out due to death in family. I had NO idea and I said as such. If I had any idea I would have contacted him to prevent the unneeded trip. Seriously, my atty's assistant didn't even bother to email me or call. I felt bad. He said my atty was really dumb... I just agreed... I pay her to be the bad guy.
Then the next thing out of my mouth surprised me "are you hungry? do you want to get lunch?"... STBXH replied "I"m tired"... So I immediately say "well ok"... thinking whew I'm off the hook but STBXH follows up with "what did you have in mind". I said X or Y. He picked X and I met him there.
He was exhausted. He immediately asked me about work - stated I've been amazingly busy. We are up $30k this month from last year. I commented on his Harley Davidson Hawaiian shirt... he talked about running into a guy he hung out with on the island 25yr ago. He pulled out his phone and asked if S19 could fix the shattered camera. I said he should and I took a picture of the damage and texted S19 who then texted back 2 options for fix. When I told him the first option was $10 he couldn't hear me - so I looked directly at him, spoke slower and a tad louder. BOY, his hearing has gotten worse! He was surprised about the fix and had more questions. Frankly, I wish he would have just contacted S19 himself instead of making me the go between. But, I get it... shame and guilt. . There was lots of conversation. I asked if he was sleeping ok - he looked like crap and admitted they are not working 12's right now as they are down to 1/3 capacity. He said - No. Oh? He bought a house is a busy neighborhood in the middle of a bad area of town with an automotive shop across the street... neighbors have loud kids AND he's a day sleeper. Hmmm... just listened. Validated that was rough. Seriously, he griped and complained about how I live in a HOA and how stiffling it is to him. My lot is also wooded so there was no area for a garden here (but I helped him with his plots at the community garden.) I can guarantee its a whole lot quieter here than where he currently lives. Its so weird because I pictured him getting a home in the country... not in the middle of town.
He went on to say that he needed to get a white noise machine. I bought him one years ago to help counteract some of the routine day noise in the house... its still here. I didn't offer it... just said... hmmm...
He paid for lunch and when we walked out I started to go in the opposite direction and stated I had to go pay for the carpet I'm buying... oh, your getting carpet? Uhm, yes. AGAIN what I didn't say is that we talked a lot about this as I'm ripping up flooring when he dropped off the dog for his 2 weeks stay.
^^^That's all further proof that he is not interested in the conversations we do have... he forgets them. But I've known for years that he has serious memory issues when he is tired... so it could also be exhaustion. Doesn't matter.
He kept wanting me to know the next court date... IDK why because I'm not going.
Still trying to nice him back. That never works. Ever!
You’ll learn eventually.
I hear you.
At this point he's not ever coming back so being aloof, being nice, just getting through life with dignity and being able to live with myself is my goal.
Seriously, had I known my atty had cancelled court I would have informed him. I'm no b*tch. Truth- I owe him nothing but I've got a nasty subconscious that eats at me. I'm grateful that I did not know. Whether or not he believes me I don't give a rats butt. I'm living my truth.
Its a gorgeous day and while I worked this weekend and have a terrible medical case in the clinic with a grim prognosis on getting better - I'm off for a long drive. Audiobooks that drill into my head --- letting go and transforming myself back into the high value person before I started putting myself last on the list after my H and my children.
After 2hr I will arrive at S19 college - pack up about 50% of his stuff. Have lunch with alcoholic beverages (just me on the alcohol)... wish him luck on his finals and then drive 2hr home.
I took Friday off. I will be moving S19 home for the summer. Going out to a bar with live music that night... solo if need be though I'm trying to phone a friend for a duo act. Saturday will be going to the local state park for an event I miss EVERY year because it always falls on a work weekend... but not this year!!!!
Actually asking to him to lunch is something that loses your dignity. You’ve been here a long time and seem to be making zero progress which is a shame.
Your GAL seems pretty strong so I guess that’s a positive.
I think you asked him to lunch as a last ditch Hail Mary so to speak. I think you were hoping going to court would wake him up and he wouldn’t want to get divorced and seeing you immediately afterwards might be the push to get him to come back. There’s no other reasonable explanation. You said you don’t wanna be friends, so that’s not the angle. You didn’t need to do any of that to maintain dignity or grace, so it can’t be that either.
My question is solely this....why can’t you be single? You are still trying to get your H to come back while missing the pilot whom you can’t forget months later after a few dates. I think you have codependency issues.
I think you’re gonna be stuck in this mind (bleep) of a situation until you get professional help. And no that’s not an insult and no that doesn’t make you weak.
You have justified being abused, justified your behavior with pilot, justified really everything that holds you back, and refuse to get professional help. Do you believe there is a some stigma to it? Like is someone or yourself going to call you crazy?
You need professional help. You really do and that’s not a bad thing. I’m so sorry you seem to think it is. Most people don’t have a bad experience and quit all together the way you have therapy. And it’s only hurting you while everyone else is moving on in your life.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
