Brave Little Gerda Knows More Now

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Thank you so much, everyone, for the flood of love and commiseration!

That was really touching to hear from you all - Eagle, DnJ, DejaVu, Cardinal, CW, Job and even beautiful bttrfly. Your words hit me right in the heart but in a good way. And so impressed with all that you are doing -- surviving, thriving, writing novels, loving your kids, looking to the future without worrying so much about the time we have "wasted." And thanks, DnJ, for reminding me of how far I came, you are always the great supporter and friend.

Job, your praise is high praise, since you have "seen it all" more than any of us. If my post became a stickie, considering my journey, it would almost like winning an Oscar!

In my time away, the details of all our stories became smaller and the bigger truths loomed large. I came back to see so many posters going over the little details like I always did, not able to see that none of it mattered because their spouses were at least temporarily insane, at best like talking dolls. I looked back on my path and my past and everything got clearer. I always wondered what it would have taken to help 2014 Gerda to get more quickly to where I am now. I know what kept me from surrendering, from the terrifying freefall. And now I can see the outcome on my children of letting them witness so much abuse for so long -- and even the outcome on my was-band of enabling his behavior, of not fighting for myself in the first year of the divorce. These things are clearly bad, there is no question in what I am witnessing. I remember thinking in the early days, "Well, God is my lawyer," but I forgot that God had already provided me with all the gifts I needed to do battle and I didn't fight. I let so many things happen that caused me to still be stuck in the pit of divorce now. Now I know the rule, "Raise it or waive it," in court. You have to raise everything so it's on the table, or they will rip you to shreds in there.

So I know what is keeping those others from doing all the things I said to do in that post, and I see the same tropes in their posts as my posts for the first few years. Like everything, it is a matter of faith. Faith in the witnesses. I came to Christian faith that way -- trusting the teller of a tale helps you believe in the tale. Actually I remember once, before I came to faith, when my H was starting to change but not fully, I was having some dark moment (probably BECAUSE he had started to change) and I asked him how he could know that God was real. He said, "Well, even if you just read the bible or any of the stories of the saints, you can be sure that those people would love you and want only to help you in any way they could. And that kind of love IS God, so that is enough for me to have faith." I never forgot that, and when I did read Paul I knew I could trust him, as a start, or when I read Father Arseny or CS Lewis. I knew they loved me, even without knowing me, so I trusted them. I was the same when I had cancer -- I trusted my doctor so much that I just went to the doctor he told me to go to, and I trusted her so much I did whatever she said. I didn't even know what stage of cancer I had, and I tried not to read too much. I just asked myself if I could trust those people and if so, I didn't have to work so hard making any choices but just trustfully do what they told me I must do. I still remember going under the day of my surgery -- arms outstretched, total trust in my surgeon, praying as I counted backwards, total surrender to God, and the white light and the peace the covered me. My was-band was texting the other woman while I lay on the table, calling her his "secret other wife," I found out the next day, but I still think of that moment as one of the happiest moments of my life. The happiness of trust and faith.

We are all witnesses too. Anything we go through equips us to help another go through it, as long as we don't get bitter or become controlled by rage or fear.

Or when we become controlled by rage or fear, we don't act on it.

Or when we act on it, we forgive ourselves for suffering those wounds, and help someone else not act on it.

I still don't know anything and I am still as anxious and arrogant and desperate to control my situation as I ever was. But I trust myself as a witness and I know I am always motivated by love, and in that way I can always be sure I am nothing like H. I can't ever imagine a man loving me, I mean for real, but I think I am starting to understand that I am worthy of my own love and protection. I never protected myself before. I didn't think I deserved it. And that made my children suffer more than they had to, and taught my son the wrong way to treat us. And it enabled my was-band to undertake a campaign of terror that shows no sign of letting up.

Have not updated my sitch for a while and maybe will soon. It's not better at all. In fact it's worse. But I am clearer now on what to do. And I love you all!