I haven't experienced an equal partnership in this arena. But no more should your compulsion be to 'fix' things, than H's need to 'fix' you or your (sad, happy; negative, positive) emotions. SteveLW was too reductionist in this regard (sorry, Steve, I know what you meant in theory), but I have to agree that the utopian aim is for both partners to just hold each other's emotions without any sort of judgement, self-internalization or 'need' to change the other. Because ultimately, H's need to comfort you, eviscerate your sadness at losing house #4, is ultimately a selfish endeavor ('if only WF wasn't emotional about this, we could just move on to status quo and that would make me feel better').
Sage, agreed. You nailed what I was trying to say. Though I stand by the concept I was espousing. Males typically try to fix the emotions of others. Even if a female is a "fixer", their motherly instincts win out when it comes to the feelings of others and they are much better at listening, understanding and comforting than are males. I have hardly ever heard a man tell his wife "Don't tell me how to feel!", but I have heard dozens of wives say those exact words to their husbands. Because we guys, selfishly as you so astutely point out, want to stop the emotions that are making us uncomfortable from our spouse. When a wife cries, her husband does internalize it. The male ego has a pretty simplistic outlook on this (sorry if that is reductionist but I didn't invent biology!): Wife is happy, I am doing my job. Wife is unhappy, I have failed!
WF's husband, no doubt, was feeling a sense of failure at losing out on house #4. And that was exasperated (unrightfully so) by WF's being sad at the loss. He couldn't fix not losing the house....so he tried to "fix" her emotions. As you point out it was a selfish endeavor, meant to make himself feel better as a husband! That was the crux of what I was trying to get at.
I can honestly say this is something I've grown in so much since BD 2017! I no longer try to "fix" her emotions. I have become a much better listener, comforter, understander (sic). My wife as a result sees me as a soft place to land when she is upset or sad. I also know through IC, self-study, and having a better understanding of the dynamics involved that her sadness or being upset does not mean I have failed as a husband! Once you can disconnect your wife's (this is for the husbands out there!) emotions from your feelings of success or failure, you can grow into the empathetic comforter that she sometimes needs.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
